And Now For Something Completely Different
by spacemonkey69
Summary: Chandler has more then a few problems...Chapter Eight up! Please read and review!
1. Introducing the Leading Lady

Hi ya'all...I really don't know why I started this! I just felt like doing something a bit fun and lighthearted...my other stories were depressing me hehe, and I was bored!I hope you enjoy this story...its all a bit of silliness really, and comedy ain't really my thing in terms of writing, but please, no flames! They depress me so! So, please read and review, and tell me what you think! Maybe give me a few ideas, cause I have no idea where this is going...but I guarrantee it is going to most likely get more and more ridiculous...well, I hope anyway! Please read and review!

Oh, and the title of the story comes from the famous Monty Python show/movies/ franchise...I love it so, and I thought it seemed like a great name!

I do not own friends/actors/characters, but I would gladly steal Chandler away from Monica if given the chance...and fight off all the Mondler lovers with glee!

* * *

Chandler groaned.

He felt like he had gone twelve matches with a boxing kangaroo and came out on the bottom.

Why did he hurt so much? He hadn't drank much the night before….had he?

Monica would have killed him if he had…had he?

Yes.

It seemed likely, Chandler thought in annoyance. It had been Monica's big work...

What had it been? Shindig? Party? Or just an excuse to drink a lot of alcohol?

Chandler knew it had been something important, something that Monica had been extremely nervous about. Something that was incredibly important to her. Something that could have greatly helped her career. And something that Chandler had no doubt ruined for her.

Chandler groaned again.

He was a horrible boyfriend.

Ruining Monica's big night like that? Making a fool out of both himself and her by drinking too much?

He had an honest excuse though, he remembered that clearly.

The party had sucked. Boring with a capital snooze, Chandler recalled.

Someone had to get drunk. Someone had to stir the party up a bit, to get it into third gear. Chandler had noticed that and, not wanting Monica's party to fail, had taken the responsibility under his wing.

He had been trying to _help _her, not ruin the party! Monica should have been grateful to him, trying to wake up the snooze fest that was her 'wonderful' party. She should have been kissing his feet right about now, taking care of the headache he now sported. The headache that he had received from the alcohol he had drank, trying to help her.

Was that all though?

The headache seemed to remind him of something else from last night.

Loudness, shrillness…Monica had told him off, and her voice had entered the realm that he never liked. The place where it became so high that only dogs could understand. She had been upset, she had been furious. She had hit him, Chandler remembered now. She had smacked him upside the head, which had fuelled his headache.

He couldn't remember what she had said, but he had distant recollections of her calling him a male repeatedly.

That didn't sound so bad.

Chandler was a male, it wasn't an insult.

Except it was. Chandler was a male. He was insensitive, rude, immature. His way of helping Monica out, while seeming like a good idea to him, had been ridiculous.

Monica should have thrown him in the river, Chandler thought miserably. He deserved the pounding in his head. He deserved her harsh words. He deserved the insistent prodding in his side…wait.

What the hell was that?

Chandler groaned yet again, desperately trying to move away from the touch. It was too early. He hurt too much. He was in too much trouble to wake up at that moment.

"Hey!"

The voice was loud, causing his head to throb even more. Chandler winced, cracking open an eyelid. Joey was staring down at him with an unidentifiable look on his face. Beyond his friend he could see Rosita and Stevie the TV.

Great.

He was in his old apartment.

Monica had kicked him out. He couldn't remember exactly why, but it couldn't have been good. And the hits just keep on coming, he thought sarcastically.

"Hey!" Joey repeated as Chandler closed his eye again.

"What!" Chandler snapped in annoyance, opening both eyes this time. He regretted using such a loud voice immediately, wincing once more.

"Don't 'what' me! What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"I was _trying _to sleep!" Chandler retorted. Joey raised an eyebrow.

"What? Here? You don't live here! Why are you here?"

"I don't really know! Now, if you will excuse me…" Chandler rolled over on the couch, closing his eyes once more. His head hurt and he was tired. He wanted to sleep.

Unfortunately, the poking began once more. Chandler scowled, and then rolled back over.

"_What! _Why are you doing this to me? Are you _trying _to annoy me? Why can't you just let me sleep?" he roared, not caring how it affected his pounding head. Joey was being a nuisance.

"Because this isn't your place! Now, if you don't leave in the next two minutes, I'm going to call the cops!"

Chandler stared at Joey's face in surprise. That seemed a bit harsh, didn't it? He knew he had upset Joey by moving out, and yelling at him just then probably didn't help, but the cops? That didn't seem right.

"Jesus Joe-" he began, but the look on Joey's face stopped him in his tracks.

"How do you know my name?" There was a long pause as the two friends stared at one another, identical looks of confusion on their faces. "Did we sleep together once?"

There was another long pause.

"_What!_" Chandler shook his head, trying to clear the fogginess that lingered. "Joey…Sarcasm to that degree just does not work…you gotta pick your moments, and this…this is not one of them! I'm tired, I'm hung-over and I'm pretty sure Monica is going to turn me into a eunuch, so if you don't mind…"

Chandler rolled back over and the poking once more resumed.

"I swear to God, if you do that one more time, I will eat your fingers," Chandler warned.

"Did we sleep together? Is that why you're here?"

Joey's ridiculous questions were starting to really bug Chandler, as was the incessant poking. He really was seconds away from biting Joey's fingers off, but thankfully the poking stopped.

"I'm sorry I don't remember you…I've slept with a lot of girls. But, hell, I'm sure I would remember you!"

"Joey, I'm sure I would remember sleeping with you too…it's not something I could easily forget," Chandler muttered, squeezing his eyes shut tightly.

"You got that right!" Joey said proudly. "But did we?"

Chandler let out an aggravated sigh, then rolled back over and stood up, glaring at Joey intensely.

"No Joey! We didn't! Now, would you just let me go back to sleep!"

As Chandler yelled, he noticed something odd. Joey had always been shorter then him, by at least two inches. But at that moment, Chandler barely came up to Joey's chin. He froze, panic setting in.

"Oh…oh my god! I've shrunk!" he shrieked after a moment, then froze once more. "And my voice has…its changed! Holy crap, Mon already euniched me!"

"What's a eunuch?" Joey wondered briefly. Chandler grabbed Joey's shirt, shaking him violently.

"It doesn't matter! Joey, you have to help me!" he screamed. Joey grabbed his hands and quickly pulled them off him, then took a step back.

"Okay…I'm going to call the cops…you just wait right there!"

"Joey, no!" Chandler wailed, once more clinging desperately to his friend. "You can't turn me in! I…I didn't do anything…I don't think! Come on man, you have to help me! I'm your best friend!"

Joey paused in his tracks, staring at Chandler with an odd look.

"My best friend's Chandler," he insisted. Chandler frowned.

"I know…I'm him." Chandler was beginning to wonder if he wasn't the only one who had been drinking the night before. "I mean…yeah, I've shrunk, but it's not like I've disappeared completely!"

Joey stared at him for a long while, studying his face intently. Chandler began to feel uncomfortable under the close scrutiny. Joey's face suddenly changed, and he gasped.

"Chandler?" he whispered.

"Yes! It's me!" Chandler exclaimed, clinging to Joey's shirt still.

"What the…how is this possible?"

"I don't know! I'm tiny!"

Joey let out a short laugh, eying him appreciatively.

"That's not the only thing you are, buddy."

"What do you mean?" Joey didn't answer, instead choosing to grab one of Chandler's hands. He lifted it up in front of them and Chandler gasped. His hand had shrunk, along with the rest of him, but that wasn't the only thing that had changed. The skin had smoothed out, becoming softer and more delicate. The nails, once dirty and bitten, were now long and painted a deep red.

Chandler pulled the hand away from Joey, staring at it closely. It must have been a hell of a party, he thought stupidly. First they shrink me, then Monica turned me into a eunuch, then they moisturised his hands and stuck fake nails on him. That was one hell of a party.

But that couldn't be right. Monica didn't have access to a shrinking ray. No one outside of Sci Fi television did…not that he knew anyway. There must have been another explanation for this.

Chandler suddenly became aware of another thing. His head felt heavier, and not only because of the alcohol. Slowly, he lifted his shaking hand up, and felt his hair.

Long.

It was incredibly long and thick.

Chandler's hand dropped quickly, his breath coming out in short gasps. He had a bad feeling about this.

Slowly, he glanced down at his body. Beneath his now baggy clothes, he could see two lumps on his chests. Breasts.

He had grown boobies?

Chandler looked back up, staring at Joey in horror. Joey stared back at him, and then continued staring as Chandler dropped wordlessly to the floor.

He kneeled down next to his friend – the friend he had only recognised because of his blue eyes – and poked him once more.

Nothing.

Chandler didn't move, didn't yell and most defiantly didn't follow through with his promise of eating his fingers. He…well, she was out cold.

Joey leaned back, unsure of what to do.

His best friend was a girl.

A very hot girl, not that it mattered.

His best friend had turned into a girl.

Joey frowned.

This was something completely different.


	2. The Case Of The Missing Penis

Hi guys! I must say, I am having a lot of fun with this story! Its great writing Chandler this way, so...well mean, but you will see that in this Chapter! I'm hoping that this will all add up together in the end, cause I have plans to make it quite confusing very soon...confusing and slightly...well, out there ehe! Please bear with me, and please read and review! It was great to get two already! They were wonderful! Oh, and Leondra, I beleive 'and now for something completely different' was the title of one of their specails...and also they said it a few times in the show...cant be too specific cause I can't remember! Also.. about Shatter...i totally didnt consider those two, but after rereading it, i can totally see it! Good job! Please read and review! I hope its funny!

I do not own friends/actors/Characters...but i would pay good money to see Chandler Bing transformed into a girl!Cheers!

* * *

"Look at me! _Look at me! _Joey! Joey, would you look at me!" Chandler screamed, gripping his luxurious long locks with his dainty hands.

"I am looking!" Joey insisted.

"But look at me! Look at me!"

"Chandler, I am looking for crying out loud! Will you stop saying that?"

Chandler had been awake for around five minutes and, after getting over the initial shock once again, had been unable to say much more. It had only been a couple of minutes, and already Joey was sick of the phrase 'look at me'.

"But…look at me! I'm a…I'm a woman!" Chandler shrieked, staring into the mirror in horror.

"I can see that!"

"How Joey? How could this happen?" Chandler turned away from the mirror and grabbed Joey by the shoulders, shaking him roughly. "Explain how!"

"I-I don't know, I'm not a scientist!" Joey exclaimed.

"Well, you should be!" Chandler turned away, glancing once more into the mirror. He was a woman. How could this be possible? He leaned in closer, studying his reflection intently. The only thing that looked remotely like him was his eyes. He still had the same eyes. Everything else was different.

He raised his tiny, smooth hand up to his face, gingerly touching his new nose. It was small, and reminded him of a button, although he couldn't figure out why. Lips, fuller then those of Angelina Jolie's. Teeth, unnaturally straight and white. Cheekbones, more impressive than Johnny Depp's. All surrounded by that thick head of hair he was now sporting.

He ran his new fingers over his creamy skin, amazed at how soft it was. He was a woman. He really was a woman. He even had the breasts to prove it. And most likely the-

"Oh!" Chandler yelped in horror, quickly reaching down and grasping his baggy pants. He pulled them away from his skin and peaked inside, letting out a scream.

"It's gone! I'm all women! Joey, I'm penisless! I'm_ penisless_! I have no penis! Someone has taken my penis!"

"Really? So you have a-"

"Yes!"

Joey raised an eyebrow, glancing at him suggestively.

"You know, maybe I should check for you…see what exactly has changed." Chandler scowled and hit Joey on the arm.

"That is wrong on so many levels! I'm your best friend!"

"Well, your personality is…but man, you sure as hell don't look like Chandler! You are one hot-"

"Joey!" Chandler screamed, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He wiped at them, confused. He was crying? He never cried. Why was he crying?

"Are…are you crying?" Joey asked as Chandler wiped at his eyes once more.

"No!" Chandler lied pitifully, sitting down on the toilet seat. "I'm not crying…I don't cry!"

"Yes you are! You're crying!" Joey exclaimed, crouching down next to him. Chandler glared at him, feeling the tears stream down his cheeks.

"Well, you don't have to sound so happy about it!" he sobbed.

"I-I'm not!"

"Yes you are! You are practically doing snoopy dances! My life is falling apart, I have these gigantic…_things_ on my chest, I've lost my manhood, and now I'm crying, and you are sitting there gloating like always!"

Joey cocked an eyebrow, watching his best friend break down in tears, covering his stunning face with his tiny hands. Hormones, Joey decided.

"Looks like you really are _all _woman," he muttered. Chandler's head snapped up and he glared at Joey.

"What?" Chandler's voice was low and dangerous, not something Joey wanted to mess with. Female, emotional Chandler was a scary Chandler, Joey decided.

"It's going to be okay Chan," he soothed, rubbing Chandler's arm gently. Chandler shook his head then buried his face into Joey's shoulder.

Joey pulled Chandler into his arms, holding his best friend's small body gently. This was definitely something different. His was of comforting Chandler had always been beer and Baywatch, maybe a couple of manly hugs. Not the complete and total breakdown that was happening at that moment.

"You don't understand!" Chandler wailed, shaking his head vigorously. Joey pulled his face back slightly, spitting out the hair that had managed to get stuck in his mouth. Chandler had a lot of hair. "You don't know! I'm a woman! I have girly bits! This is impossible, but it happened! And you are a guy! You don't know what I'm going through! You're a guy, you have no feelings! You barely even have a _soul!_"

Ouch.

Joey had to admit, that had hurt. Chandler had been female for less then an hour and he was already against males? He was against what he had been less then an hour ago? That didn't make much sense to Joey.

"Men suck! They are mean, they are uncaring, they…what am I saying! I'm a man…no I'm not; I'm a woman…Joey!" Chandler looked to Joey for comfort, who looked back at his friend helplessly.

"I don't know Chan…I usually comfort women with sex."

A scowl covered Chandler's face once more, and he leapt to his feet.

"See! This is exactly what I am talking about! Men! Soulless, I tell you! I'm ashamed that I'm one of them! Well, I was! Sex, sex, sex! It's all about the sex! Never the talking, never the hugging! Always the sex! And you," Chandler pointed at Joey accusingly, "you are the worst of them all!"

Joey took a step back, raising his hands in defence.

"Okay buddy…I'm just gonna go out here for a minute."

"Yeah, that's right, run away! Like always!"

Joey closed the bathroom door behind him, thankfully shutting out the sounds of Chandler ridiculing him. He leaned against the door, closing his eyes tiredly.

He had been looking forward to spending the day doing nothing. _Nothing! _Instead, here he was, dealing with something that wasn't even possible.

Chandler.

Chandler was a great guy; the best in Joey's eyes. As a guy he was wonderful, but as a girl…the girl in there was usually the type that Joey labelled as 'psycho'. Someone he stayed away from at all costs.

And he was stuck with that psycho.

The door shook violently behind him, the sound of something hard hitting the wood. Joey briefly thanked God that he was on _this _side of the door.

"God Joe, what did you do, say the wrong name or something?"

Joey jumped at the sudden voice, turning to find Rachel standing in the kitchen, a look of amusement on her face.

"If only," Joey muttered to himself. "How long have you been here for?"

"Since your girlfriend in there started accusing you of being the worst sex hound of them all."

"That's not my girlfriend!" Joey said quickly, stepping away from the door as another object shook the wood. Rachel raised her eyebrow.

"Well…that doesn't surprise me, listening to her carry on. But she _was _your girlfriend, right?"

"No! Never been my girlfriend!" Joey insisted. "Never slept together, nothing!"

"Then who the hell is she?"

Joey wracked his brain, searching for a good lie that Rachel would buy.

"It's…its Monica!"

"That's not Monica!" Rachel exclaimed, walking around the counter.

"Yes it is! She's…she's really upset about…about Chandler! So upset…that her voice sounds funny!"

Rachel stared at Joey for a moment, disbelief covering her face.

"What did Chandler do?"

"I have no idea, but I don't think it is anything good," Joey answered truthfully. He really _wasn't _sure what Chandler had done to end up in this mess, and he was sure that it wasn't anything good. Rachel worried her lip, still staring at Joey.

"Well, get out of the way," she said finally. Joey stepped closer to the door, shaking his head.

"I-I don't think that's a good idea Rach," he insisted. Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Joey, I'm her best friend! Now, get out of the way."

"Rach-"

"Move it Tribbiani!"

Joey and Rachel stared at each other for a long while, neither backing down. Finally Joey let out a sigh, and stepped aside. He was sure that everyone would find out about Chandler's little 'problem' soon enough. And hopefully Rachel could help Joey control their friend. Or at least deal with the mood swings.

"Thankyou." Rachel knocked on the door gently, and waited for an answer.

"_What!_" the voice screeched from inside. Rachel looked at Joey in horror.

"What did Chandler do?" she whispered. Joey shrugged. Rachel sighed, then turned back to the closed door. "Sweetie? It's Rachel, can I come in?"

There was a long pause.

"I-I guess," Chandler answered finally, his voice softer now. Rachel smiled and pushed open the door. Joey watched Rachel's face, waiting for the reaction that he would soon get.

Chandler turned to Rachel; long hair in disarray, red eyes still brimming with tears, hands shaking constantly. Rachel let out a surprised gasp then turned to Joey, accusation shining in her eyes. Before she could say a word, Chandler launched on her, almost knocking her to the ground.

"Rach!" he wailed, hugging her tightly. Rachel froze for a second, then cautiously started to pat her friends' back. "Rach, I'm so glad you're here! Joey…Joey doesn't know! He doesn't know _anything!"_

Ouch, Joey thought once more. Once this was all over and done with, he was going to kick Chandler's ass. He didn't care if Chandler was going through a hard time at that moment, he was still being mean.

"He doesn't have a soul! But you do! You know what I'm going through! You're a girl, you can help me, right!"

"Uh…sure?" Rachel glanced at Joey, the look on her face spelling out his death. Joey rolled his eyes. He was in trouble from everyone today.

"Oh thank god! I don't know what to do! I-I wake up, thinking it's a hangover and then BAM! Mood swings, boobies and no penis! No penis Rach! It's gone! Gone! And I keep thinking this can't be possible, but here I am with my stupid perfect teeth, and hair that should be from a shampoo commercial, and once more, let me remind you, no _penis! _I'm a woman! I'm a freaking, honest to God woman! Look at me! _Look at me_!"

Joey couldn't help but laugh at the expression on Rachel's face. She looked more freaked out then he had ever seen her. Joey knew that she was regretting ever coming over here, and letting herself be jumped by some crazy woman that she didn't even know. Joey knew that he should have explained the situation to her, but this seemed like the more amusing choice.

Joey's laugh caught the attention of both girls in the room; one real, one not so much. He suddenly found two beautiful women glaring at him, and wished for nothing more to be out of the room.

"You think this is funny Joey!" Chandler growled. Joey shook his head fiercely. "Do you? Do you!"

"N-No, Chan, definitely not!"

"…what?" Rachel's mouth fell open as she continued to stare at Joey, this time in shock. "What? Chan? What?"

"What?" Chandler said a moment later, looking at Rachel in surprise. Seeing that she wasn't going to answer him, he turned to Joey. "What?"

Joey glanced between the two, tempted to flee the room. "What?" he said instead, trying to act indifferent.

"She doesn't know?" Chandler hissed, anger flaring in his blue eyes once more. Joey stared at him, unsure of how to answer the question without getting his head bitten off.

"What?" he said once more, unable to come up with anything else.

"Joey!" Chandler yelled, stepping towards him. Joey instinctively shrunk back. Even thought Chandler was a tiny little woman, he scared Joey more then anyone he had ever known.

"I-I'm sorry! I didn't know what to say!" Joey exclaimed. Chandler glared at him for a second longer, then turned back to Rachel.

"Rach-"

"This…this is a weird joke right?" Rachel asked, glancing from Joey to Chandler. "One of those stupid things that you two come up with? Chandler is hiding in the other room, waiting for me to make a fool of myself? Waiting to come and mock me about it for the next three days? Right?"

Rachel sounded unsure of her own words, and was still glancing desperately between the two boys –boy and girl.

"Rach-" Chandler started once more, then rolled his eyes in annoyance when Rachel interrupted again.

"I mean, you _have _to be one of Joey's lady friends…you look like someone he would bring home!" Rachel hadn't meant that to sound disrespectful, but it had.

"Hey!" Chandler and Joey said in unison.

"What do you mean by that?" Joey yelled.

"I am not a slut!" Chandler hissed at the same time, his eyes welling up once more. "You're a…you're a…I don't know what you are!" Joey sighed as Chandler began to cry once more, sitting back down on the toilet seat.

"Chandler-"

"I'm fine! Whatever right? Doesn't matter what's wrong with Chandler!"

"Will you stop saying that!" Rachel shouted, glaring at Chandler. "It is really starting to bug me! You didn't trick me, give it up!"

"You know, not everything revolves around you Rach!" Chandler exclaimed, leaping to his feet once more. "'Oh, oh, Ross! Oh, I hate you! I love you! I hate you! But wait, he cheated on me!' You know, you guys _were _on a break!"

Joey cringed slightly as Chandler and Rachel glared daggers at one another, certain that there was going to be some hair pulling in the very near future. As much as he liked watching two girls fight each other, he couldn't allow it to happen. Not while Rachel was clueless to what was going on. If, after she realised it was Chandler, they still wanted to fight, Joey wasn't going to stand in their way. He was, after all, a male. And they were, after all, two drop dead gorgeous women. Even if one of them was really a male, it didn't matter to Joey. He could easily look past that.

"Okay, okay…calm down you two." He stepped in between the fuming girls, placing a hand on each of their shoulder.

"Rach-"

"What!" Rachel snapped, still glaring at Chandler. Joey raised his eyebrows, taking a deep breath. This was an interesting situation.

"We aren't trying to trick you…this is Chandler," he said seriously. Rachel rolled her eyes, and opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by Joey continuing.

"And Chan…mood swings, missing penis, sudden breasts…it doesn't matter! Nothing gives you the right to be this mean…now apologise to Rachel."

"She started it." Joey let out an exasperated sigh at Chandler's childish words. It reminded him of when he was younger, trying to sort out an argument between his youngest sisters.

"No she didn't…now say sorry."

It was Chandler's turn to roll his eyes, but he followed Joey's request.

"Sorry Rach."

"I still don't believe you," Rachel said, defiantly crossing her arms. "It isn't possible…it's stupid."

Chandler opened his mouth to fire off a snappy and no doubt mean response, but Joey cut in.

"Okay Rach, ask Chandler something that no one but you and him know…something that no one could have possibly known."

"….alright, but it still won't prove anything." She cleared her throat, searching her mind for a question. Chandler watched her intently, a slightly smug look on his face. The smug look quickly grew impatient as Rachel continued to think.

"Jeez Rach, its not like it's hard or anything, it's a stupid question!" he shouted suddenly.

"I'm trying to think of something that _Chandler _would never have told Joey!" Rachel snapped back, rolling her eyes.

"Well, what about that time in College?" Chandler retorted. Rachel's eyes widened and a grin broke out on her face.

"Ah! I got you! I didn't go to the same College!" she said excitedly.

"No, but you did go to a party there…where you got drunk and we kissed! I never told Joey that!"

"H-How do I know that you didn't tell him? I mean, how do I know that _Chandler _didn't tell him!"

"Oh for crying out loud, can we hurry this up? I'm hungry!" Joey groaned, slightly surprised by the Collage revelation, but more worried about his empty stomach.

"I didn't tell Joey! That was like the only thing I never told him! I was afraid that he would let it slip to Ross, and I didn't want Ross to know that I kissed you before he did! He would have been so pissed at me! You know how obsessed he was with you!"

"Then why did you kiss me in the first place?" Rachel exclaimed.

"Because I had caught Ross kissing Adrienne Turner, when he _knew _that I liked her! So I wanted to hurt him, by kissing the one person that he truly loved!"

"Oh this is ridiculous! You can't be Chandler, its impossible!"

"You're impossible! I am Chandler, and all this yelling is not helping the situation! I'm very distressed right now!"

"And I'm very unimpressed!"

"Spoilt princess!"

"Sarcastic gimp!"

"…what the hell is a gimp?"

"You are!"

Joey rolled his eyes once again, deciding it was time to step in once more. These two obviously weren't going to work this out any time soon.

"Rach, please…for the love of god! I didn't believe it either, but it's true! You have to believe us!" he insisted. Rachel glanced at him, taking in the pleading look in his eyes.

"Okay… say this is 'Chandler'…how did you go about believing 'him'?"

"Well, that is easy…he may look different in all other aspects but," Joey pointed his fingers to Chandler's face; specifically, his eyes. "But, he kept his eyes! Take a look, and don't tell me you don't recognise them…I've heard you and the other two girls talking about how 'cute' Chandler is! You obviously pay a lot of attention! No where near as much as Monica, but still quite a bit!" Rachel flushed slightly, while Chandler glanced at her in surprise. A smirk soon covered his face and Rachel found herself gasping. That smirk…so familiar. And those eyes…

Rachel took a closer look, her mouth falling open.

"C-Chandler?" she whispered in horror.

"Finally!" Chandler exclaimed. His glee was short lived as Rachel dropped to the ground. The two boys stared at her motionless body for a moment.

"Another one bites the dust," Chandler commented.

"Tell me about it."


	3. Tears and Tantrums

Howdy ya'all! I'm back with a quick update...and then I am going to _try_ and work on my other stories hehe! First, i gots to say thanks so much for all those wonderful reviews! A few of you said that this story makes no sense, and I couldnt be happier! That was exacly what i was aiming for, so I'm glad it worked haha! Cornicopia...yeah, i was thinking of 'pirates' when i did the eunuch thing...proud Johnny Depp lover! Oh and about the slash thing...would...would it even still be considered slash? My friend and I were trying to figure that out hehe. But no, i dont think it will be slash...I'm pretty sure it wont anyway hehe! I dont know, my brain does weird things sometimes! And Leondra...that was my fave line to write hehe, i love hearing about what you guys' fave lines are...keep it up! oh, and another thing...this is set in season 6, when Rach was living with Pheebs and Joey was alone...just thought i'd clear that up!

Anyway, gotta dash, please read and please keep up the reviews! I promise to update soon! Love you all! And if you give me some suggestions, i might actually listen to you guys for once and write them in! This story isnt completely set out, not like my others hehe!

I do not own friends/characters/actors...but would love to see the look on Matt Perry's face if he read half of the stories on this site! Cheers!

* * *

"Look at him! Look at him! Joey, would you look at him!" Rachel screamed, pointing at a sitting Chandler.

"Oh my god," Joey groaned, rubbing his face with his hands. De ja vu was setting in once more. First Rachel had fainted, just like Chandler. Then, once she had woken up, she had done nothing but scream 'Look at him'. It was possibly even more annoying the second time round.

"Joey! Would you look at him!"

"I already have looked!" Joey exclaimed, glancing back down at the sandwich he was making. "You know, I was fine when I figured it out! Did I scream? No! Did I faint? No! Did I yell and cry? Nooooo!"

"Well, excuse me for slightly overreacting! I have just, you know, been turned into a _woman _for no apparent reason!" Chandler yelled, looking miserable.

"You I can understand. This happened to you, you have every right to be freaking out. But you!" he pointed at Rachel, who was still pointing at Chandler. "Now you are just going crazy!"

"Well, I'm sorry! But look at him! This is insane! Look at him! How can that be Chandler? He looks so gorgeous!"

"Oh, gee thanks Rach, that does wonders for my masculine confidence," Chandler snapped at his friend.

"Oh please, you know you're cute! But this…this is unbelievable! Look at him!"

"Oh my god, if you say that one more time, I am seriously going to kill you," Joey groaned. Rachel rolled her eyes.

"It wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while," Chandler muttered after a short silence.

"What?" Rachel asked in exasperation.

"That I'm cute…people like to hear that every now and then you know!" Tears filled Chandler's eyes, but he didn't wipe at them, instead choosing to pout at Rachel.

"Okay, what is with the tears and emotion?" Rachel exclaimed. Joey shrugged, biting into his sandwich.

"Oh, like you're one to talk? You cry when you run out of orange juice!" Chandler snapped, tears running freely down his face.

"I like my orange juice in the morning!"

"Well, if you learnt to make a proper cup of coffee, you would be able to drink that instead! But you are useless at that!" Chandler retorted. Rachel's chin trembled as tears sprung to her eyes. "See? See? Crying! Always with the crying! Grow a backbone woman!"

"You are really mean as a girl!" Rachel sobbed.

"Yeah, well you really suck as a girl!"

"Oh my god guys please, for the love of god…"

"I'm sorry Joey," Rachel cut him off, wiping her face with her hand. "I'm sorry Chandler."

"Yeah, whatever," Chandler snapped.

"Alright, that's it! You wanna fight? I'll fight you, I didn't take those defence classes for nothing you know!"

"Please, I would kick your ass," Chandler retorted, standing up and facing her.

"The only way you could do that would be if I choked on your hair! Which seems likely, you have so damn much of it!"

"Least mine isn't all stringy and limp!"

"Guys!" Joey shouted. His friends jumped, and then turned to face him. "Fighting…it isn't going to help anything! We have to stick together! Now, please…"

There was an awkward silence, both Rachel and Chandler refusing to look at one another. Joey rolled his eyes.

"This is stupid," he reminded them. Chandler sighed, finally looking at Rachel.

"I'm sorry Rach…this is just really hard for me at the moment…friends?"

"Friends," Rachel agreed. They smiled at each other then hugged. Joey grinned.

"That's what I'm talking about."

"Oh god," Chandler whimpered suddenly. Rachel pulled away.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?"

"I have to pee!" Chandler sobbed, before breaking down completely. Rachel grabbed his hand and helped him sit back down on the barcalounger. "I-I…I have to…but I-I…can't, cause I don't have my…I don't wanna!"

"Oh my god," Joey muttered to himself, watching the basket case that was his best friend.

"Chandler, honey…it's pretty easy, you just gotta sit," Rachel said soothingly. Chandler shook his head vigorously, then let out a choked cry, spitting out a mouthful of hair.

"Stupid sexy hair!" he yelled, pushing it out of his face angrily. "I hate it! I hate this! I just want to go to the bathroom like a normal guy, but…but I can't! I'm a girl!"

"Okay…why don't I help you?" Rachel suggested. Chandler looked at her in horror.

"Because that would be weird!"

"Chandler, it's not like it's your real body!"

Chandler considered this for a moment, then nodded.

"Can I help?" Joey asked hopefully.

"Joey-" Chandler started, anger flashing in his blue eyes.

"Yes, you can actually," Rachel cut him off. Chandler stared at her in shock.

"Really!" Joey exclaimed. He knew he sounded like a kid in a candy store, but he didn't care.

"Yes…you can go across the hallway and get some of Monica's clothes. Chandler looks about the same size as her." Joey's face fell at her words.

"I meant…help in there," he said softly. Rachel nodded, smirking.

"I know what you meant…but it ain't gonna happen."

"Fine…wait, what if Monica is there? What do I say?"

"Nothing…don't mention this, not yet. Just…just say you are borrowing her clothes for…something."

"Oh, yeah, something," Joey retorted, rolling his eyes at Rachel's words. "Now, why didn't I think of that?"

"Wait, what do you mean 'not yet'? You mean we are going to have to tell Monica?" Chandler asked in horror.

"No, it will be fine…I'm sure she wont notice that her boyfriend is now sporting a heaving bosom and no _penis!"_

"Don't yell at me!" Chandler whined, glaring at Rachel pitifully. She sighed, rubbing his head soothingly.

"Sorry, sweetie…we will have to tell Mon. But not yet. First, we are going to get you dressed and ready, and then we are going to take you to the doctor-"

"What? We can't do that! What would we say?"

"Nothing! Just…just say that it's a check-up! And if they find anything weird…we'll go from there."

"But why do we have to go at all?" Chandler moaned, still glaring at Rachel. She sighed once more.

"Because…because you're a woman! This isn't exactly a normal occurrence…and it's something that we should get checked out! Maybe they will be able to tell us something that can get you changed back?"

"Fine," Chandler grumbled after a moment.

"Then what?" Joey asked.

"Then we should talk to Phoebe…she is the Queen of Weird, she might be able to help us figure this out. Then we should go talk to Mon and Ross…explain what is going on…see if they will believe this."

"Oh man, Mon is going to be so pissed at me," Chandler groaned. "First I ruin her big night, then I get myself turned into a woman!"

Joey had to stop himself from laughing at the sheer weirdness of his words. He couldn't laugh, not again. They would definitely kick his ass this time.

"What did you do last night?" Rachel exclaimed. "When I got home from my date, Phoebe told me that Mon had called her, and that she had been so angry she could barely speak! Pheebs managed to figure some of it out though. Mon was really mad at you and she apparently said that she wished that, for once, you would know what it was like to be a…" Rachel let out a sudden gasp. "Nooo."

"Be a what?" Chandler pleaded.

"A woman! Monica wanted you to know the stress women go through!"

"You mean Monica did this to me?" Chandler screeched.

"It's possible!"

"Well…well, now I'm kinda mad at her too!"

"Good for you Chan, stand up to your woman," Joey said proudly. Chandler glanced at him.

"But I love her…I can't stay mad at her!" he moaned.

"Sweetie, she turned you into a woman," Rachel reminded him.

"But…oh my god…I'm a lesbian!" Chandler exclaimed suddenly. Rachel closed her eyes.

"Oh sweet Jesus," she murmured.

"Hey! Now that's what I'm talking about!" Joey said appreciatively, grinning widely. Rachel opened her eyes.

"Why are you still here! Go and get those clothes, we have precious time!" she exclaimed. Joey rolled his eyes.

"I'm going, I'm going," he muttered, turning to the door.

"Oh, and grab her makeup bag too," Rachel called after him as he walked into the hallway. Joey frowned at her words, but said nothing. He tried the door handle to apartment 20, not surprised when it opened easily.

"Hey Joe!" Ross said happily from the couch. Joey's steps faltered slightly. He had been hoping no one would be in here.

"Hey Ross," Joey said as he walked towards Monica and Chandler's room.

"Chandler's not here," Ross called after him.

"Oh I know." Joey started pulling out Monica's clothes, trying to find an outfit that matched. Rachel would kill him if he brought back something that didn't go.

"Neither is Mon."

"Oh, I know that too!" Joey opened Monica's underwear drawer, smiling approvingly. He picked up a thong, then shook his head. Not on the first day. He dropped it, then picked up some fuller briefs. Not as sexy, but more comfortable. He shoved them in his pocket, then gathered up the clothes he had picked out. He searched for a moment, then found Monica's make up bag. On the way out of the room, he grabbed a pair of Monica's boots, which had been carelessly thrown there. Joey frowned at the out of character condition, but pushed it out of his head.

"So…you wanna hang out or something?" Ross asked as Joey walked back out.

"Nah…but thanks!" Joey flashed a winning smile, then headed towards the door.

"Wait…what are you doing with Mon's stuff?" Joey cringed, turning back to face his friend.

"Uh…Phoebe and me are playing dress up," he said quickly. Ross frowned.

"Phoebe wouldn't fit in Monica's clothes."

"Its…it's not for Phoebe," Joey said lamely. Ross screwed up his face.

"Dude!" he exclaimed in disgust. Joey nodded.

"Yeah…see ya!"

He turned around and fled the room, quickly rushing over to his apartment.

"Take long enough?" Chandler asked as he entered the room, closing the door behind him.

"Ross was there…but don't worry, I don't think he will be coming over for a long while…if ever," Joey muttered, laying the contents of his arms on the counter. "Did you pee?"

"Yes…yes he did," Rachel answered when Chandler didn't say anything. Joey grinned.

"And?"

"And I don't want to talk about it," Chandler muttered.

"I'll tell you later Joe," Rachel reassured, looking through the clothes. "Joey! What the hell is this? What, were you _looking _for slutty stuff?"

"Hey, I'm a guy! I expect hot girls to wear revealing clothes! And excuse me for wanting to see my best friend in a mini skirt!" Joey said defensively. Chandler looked slightly disturbed while Rachel simply sighed.

"Well…at least they match," she muttered, picking up the clothes and makeup bag. "Come on Chandler, let's go get you ready." She walked into Chandler's old bedroom while Chandler continued to stare at Joey.

"You're going to look so hot in that man," Joey said grinning. Chandler shook his head.

"You're really weird."

Joey watched Chandler walk away, his hips swaying slightly. He smirked.

"Yeah, cause I'm the weirdest thing in this situation," he called after his friend. Chandler paused in the doorway for a moment, then continued walking, closing the door behind him. Joey continued to smirk, then bit into his half eaten sandwich.

Maybe this day wouldn't be so bad after all.


	4. Squeals and Testicles

Well, this story just seems to be getting weirder and weirder...which of course makes it all the more fun for me! Squee! Sorry I havent updated for a couple of days...had the other story to work on! But I hope this chap holds you guys until I get my big butt moving and do the next chap...which should be very soon! I've got it planned! AWooho! Oh, and thankyou for all the wonderful reviews, and a couple of you...I'm not going to say who, but you are very observant...ahem, but I'm shutting up now! Please read and review and I love you!

I do not own Friends/actors/characters...but I do own female Chandler...he's...well, she's mine! I created her! Bwahahah!

* * *

"Ow…ow…ow! God Joe, are you _trying _to bald me?"

Chandler glared at Joey, who was attempting to run a brush through Chandler's long locks. Attempting, but no succeeding. Despite having seven sisters and a slew of girlfriends, Joey was surprisingly useless when it came to girl's hair.

"Oh, stop complaining," Rachel muttered, putting the finishing touches on Chandler's face. "There! Chandler, sweetie, if you get turned back into a guy, you should consider wearing mascara and eyeliner. It makes your eyes look unbelievably blue! The girls would be all over you!"

"Are you actually saying these words?" Chandler exclaimed. "First of all, it's 'when' not 'if'. When I get turned back! When! _When!"_

"Okay, okay!"

"Second of all, are you_ trying_ to embellish my quality?"

"What quality?" Joey wondered as he untangled a knot.

"The gay one we discussed years ago," Rachel explained, taking the brush from Joey. He grinned.

"Oh, that! Yeah, we're trying to turn you into your father."

"Well, if I start sleeping with the pool boy and singing 'It's Raining Men' you guys can shoot me," Chandler muttered, relieved that Rachel had taken over the hair brushing business. It wasn't that he didn't trust Joey, it was that…well, he didn't trust Joey.

"Chandler, for that to happen, you would actually have to have a pool boy," Rachel reminded him, fluffing his hair slightly.

"I could have one if I wanted one…would just have to buy a pool."

"With your non existent money?"

"Trust me dude, you go walking down the street looking like that, you'll make a _lot _of money!" Joey said laughing. Chandler glared at him, fighting down the strange urge to yell at him for being a male. He wasn't sure why he was suddenly against all men; it wasn't something that he could control.

But he managed to this time, instead choosing to cross his arms stubbornly. Unfortunately he wasn't used to his ample new chest.

"Stupid damn boobies," he muttered, glaring down at them. "Can't even cross my arms, and they're down there all…cleavage bearing and exposed." He glanced up at Rachel, a sudden thought crossing his mind. "What if one of them, like…pops out?"

"And when will that be happening?" Joey piped up before Rachel could say anything.

"Ask me that again and one will…and then I'll smother you with it!" Chandler glared at Joey, who merely grinned.

"Hey…if that happened, I would die a happy man."

"Wouldn't it be better if I was wearing a bra?" Chandler continued after another moment of glaring at Joey.

"Well, it would be better, but as it turns out, you have breasts the size of Texas, and Monica has ones the size of Rhode Island…you aren't going to fit onto her bras," Rachel explained as she set the brush down. Chandler pouted.

"Stupid sexy breasts."

"I like them," Joey informed him. Chandler sighed.

"You would…are we done?"

"Yes we are."

"Good, all this pampering is driving me crazy."

"Oh please, you love it!" Rachel exclaimed. Chandler said nothing, instead choosing to stand up. He wavered slightly, glaring down at the boots on his feet.

"Joey…did you _have _to grab the boots with the highest heel?" he asked, irritated. Joey shrugged.

"They were the only ones that were out!"

Chandler let out an exasperated sigh, then walked awkwardly into the bathroom. He quickly glanced in the mirror, then did a double take.

"…wow."

"Totally," Rachel agreed happily. Chandler stared at his new face, amazed at what he was looking at. He looked stunning. He raised his fingers and touched his red lips then moved his attention to his eyes.

"You are so totally right! Look how much my eyes stand out!" Chandler jumped up and down, clapping his hands together as he let out an excited little squeal.

There was a long, awkward silence.

"Can…can we just ignore that I did that?" Chandler asked, embarrassed. Both Rachel and Joey nodded, relieved.

"Yeah!"

"Sure, I'm fine with that!"

"Okay…can we go to the doctors now?"

"Sure thing! Come on honey, time for you to get probed, prodded and scanned!" Rachel exclaimed.

"I couldn't be more excited," Chandler said sarcastically. Rachel looked at him, annoyed. "Oh, I'm sorry, I meant…A-Woohoo!"

"Well, that's better…come on Miss Bing." Rachel left the bathroom, a small smile covering her face as Chandler glared at her back.

"Miss Bing huh...how would you like being called Mrs Tribbiani?" Joey raised his eyebrows suggestively, to which Chandler cocked his head.

"How would you like to have your testicles removed?" he asked coolly. Joey stared at him for a second, then turned and left the room.

"Miss Bing it is then!" he called over his shoulder. Chandler rolled his eyes, then glanced once more in the mirror. A small grin covered his face and he let out another squeal.

"Oh, I'd totally do me!" he exclaimed.

"Chandler!" Rachel yelled from the other room.

"Coming! I'm coming, stop getting your panties in a twist!" Chandler walked out into the other room, a little unsteadily, but better then before.

"I could say the same to you," Rachel teased. Chandler glared at her.

"They are really complicated, okay!"

"Sure, I believe you. I remember my first time wearing them, I was just _so _lost!" Rachel let out a small snigger.

"Hey, give the man a break; they _are _really hard to get on!" Joey yelled suddenly.

There was another long, awkward silence.

"Not that I've ever worn…women's underwear."

"Sure you haven't Joey," Chandler muttered, patting his friend on the shoulder.

"Okay, we're going!" Rachel grabbed Chandler's hand and pulled him to the door. Joey stayed behind and did a complimentary checking out of Chandler's ass.

"Ni-ice!"

"Joey, I'm not an object!" Chandler yelled as Rachel pulled him into the hallway.

"Whatever dude!" Joey laughed as he closed the door behind him.

* * *

"Well, Mrs Tribbiani," the doctor began. Chandler glowered at Joey, who smiled proudly at him. His 'friend' had spoken up before Chandler had been able to say anything, so he was now apparently married to his best friend. Monica definitely wasn't going to be happy. And Joey was definitely going to lose his testicles.

"Call me Miss Bing…please. I'm thinking of leaving my…husband. Or killing him," he said through clenched teeth. Joey patted him on the back.

"Don't mind her; she's just a bit…hormonal at the moment."

"I understand Mr Tribbiani…especially from these results." Dr Weinstein raised his eyebrows, glancing down at the papers in his hand. "Well, Mrs Tribbiani," Chandler sighed, but didn't say anything. "I have some…well, usually it's good news, but in this case…"

"Just tell me!" Chandler shrieked suddenly. The doctor flinched, glancing at him in shock.

"It's been a long day," Rachel spoke up, rubbing Chandler's back soothingly.

"I know…for the both of us," the doctor muttered. Chandler glared at him. He had spent half the day being, as Rachel had put it, probed, prodded, and scanned. It hadn't put Chandler in a very good mood, and he apparently hadn't been the most…accommodating patient.

"Oookay…Mrs Tribbiani, you're pregnant."

"What! Chandler's gonna have a baby?" Joey exclaimed in excitement. Chandler and Rachel both stared at the doctor in horror.

"Yes…congratulations Mr Tribbiani, you're going to be a father."

"He's not the father!" Chandler yelled suddenly, then frowned. Why on earth had he said that? It seemed like the only reasonable thing to say at that moment. "I mean…"

"Maybe I should give you some time…" Dr Weinstein looked uncomfortable, which didn't surprise Chandler one bit. He had been looking like that all day.

"No, that won't be necessary," Rachel reassured him as Joey stared at Chandler, suddenly registering what had been said.

"Wait…you're pregnant? How is that possible?" he exclaimed.

"Well, _Joey, _when a man and a woman truly love each other…" Chandler began.

"Are you sure that thing is right?" Rachel interrupted.

"Very sure…is something wrong?"

"No…its just…uh, Joey was told that he can't have…children…" Rachel trailed off, looking lost.

"Well, apparently, _I'm _not the father," Joey reminded her.

"But how can this be possible? I've only slept with Monica!" Chandler suddenly felt hysteric, and tears began to form in his eyes.

"Monica…that's a girl's name," Dr Weinstein muttered, more to himself then anybody.

"I can't have a baby! Men are not supposed to have babies! I'm not ready, I'm too young…I haven't discussed this with Monica! She's going to kill me!"

"Well, actually…she's probably going to be extremely happy," Rachel piped up. Chandler glanced at her.

"Y-You think?" he sniffled. Rachel nodded.

"Sure! You know how much she's wanted a baby! It can be like…her birthday present, I guess! Mon, sweetie…I'm having your baby! It will be perfect!" Rachel looked excited, and Chandler couldn't resist smiling.

"I'm gonna have a baby…I'm gonna have a baby!" he screamed, pulling Rachel into a hug.

"I want in too!" Joey exclaimed.

"No! You are an evil, evil boy!" Chandler scolded, pulling away from Rachel. Joey stared at him in shock then turned to the doctor.

"Is there anything in that file about hi…her turning into a man hating psycho?"

Dr Weinstein was staring at the group in horror, amazed at the scene he had just witnessed. He shook his head, then glanced down at the papers.

"Well, actually, that's another thing we picked up on…see, in the CAT scan results, there was some…unusual activity-"

"You mean, he was actually using his brain for once," Joey joked. Chandler shook his head.

"Lame man, lame."

"No…it's not that. It's like…well, it's a bit like the readings we see in schizophrenia patients except not. What I'm trying to say is that…it appears that Mrs Tribbiani has another person in her brain."

"What?" Chandler said after a moment's silence.

"That's what the readings say…if we could do some more tests-"

"No!" Chandler leapt to his feet, pointing an accusing and manicured finger at the doctor. "There will be no more tests! I am sick of these tests! You suck at them! They hurt!"

"Pregnancy hormones," Rachel explained, pulling a now sobbing Chandler down to his seat. "She doesn't mean any of it, she really doesn't."

"Stop calling me a she! I'm a man damnit!" Chandler cried. Dr Weinstein raised his eyebrows.

"She's also kind of _crazy," _Rachel whispered the last bit and the doctor nodded.

"I could have told you that," he muttered, then cleared his throat. "There were also some unusual hormonal readings…strange even for a pregnant woman. Her oestrogen levels are unusually high…which may explain the sudden emotional outbursts and…meanness. But there were some strange testosterone levels as well, which are resulting in some major mood swings, as I've seen…I would really recommend some more tests."

"Thanks, but no thanks!" Chandler leapt to his feet, looking up at the doctor. "Now if you will excuse me, I have a girlfriend to find. Thankyou for your time, and I will be sure to recommend that other aspiring doctors go to the University of Crap, seeing it did _you _so well!" With that, Chandler turned on his heel and stalked down the corridor, heading to the gift shop. Joey and Rachel stared at each other for a moment.

"Mr Tribbiani…call me if you need anything, and…good luck." Dr Weinstein handed Joey his card then walked away, muttering under his breath.

"Well…I think we just caused years of therapy for that man," Rachel said brightly. "Shall we go find your poor, knocked up wife?"

"Do we have to?" Joey whined, not looking forward to getting yelled at again.

"Yes we have to! Chandler is emotional, hormonal, pregnant apparently, and seems to have another, crazy, psycho man hater in his head….it's not his fault he's messed up!"

"Fine," Joey grumbled, rolling his eyes as Rachel pulled him down the corridor.

His best friend was knocked up.

That was possibly the weirdest thing he had ever said, but to Joey, it made perfect sense.

It had to; otherwise he was going to lose his mind.

Joey followed Rachel down the corridor, on a mission to retrieve his poor, knocked up wife.


	5. Miss BingALing, Minus The Thing

Uhh...whoops! I kinda neglected this story a bit...sorry! I was trying to finish the other two...which I did grins Anyway, I whipped this chap up pretty quick, and now it is time for me to go to beddybyes! It's 2 am and I am zonkered...if that is an actual word! So please, read and review, I love them! And I promise to update soon!

I do not own friends/actors/characters, but as of now, I own pregnant female Chandler...but I'm not sure if that is a _good _thing!

* * *

"I have no idea where he is, I seem to have _forgotten_ to switch on my crazy Chandler tracker this morning!"

Chandler jumped at Rachel's voice, and hastily hid the object in his hand. He stuffed it in his purse, taking a moment to admire the stylish bag. Monica really did have good taste. And it went fantastically with his outfit. His outfit that he wouldn't fit into soon.

"There you are!" Joey exclaimed, as he and Rachel rounded the corner. "We've been looking everywhere for-"

"I'm gonna get fat!" Chandler sobbed suddenly. Joey and Rachel exchanged a quick glance. "My body is going to…going to…I'm gonna be fat!"

"No sweetie, you're going to be beautiful," Rachel soothed, stepping closer to Chandler. "You're pregnant. You're going to glow!"

"Yeah, with sweat," Chandler whimpered. Joey stared at his best friend with a look of disbelief. Something was seriously wrong with him…apart from the sudden sex change of course.

"No honey, you're going to look amazing!" Rachel insisted. Chandler sniffled, glancing at her with his blue eyes.

"R-Really?"

"Yes!"

"You know…you probably wont even have to worry about this, seeing you are going to become a man soon," Joey piped up. The two girls stared at him for a moment.

"Glow shmo! I'm going to be fat!" Chandler yelled, his eyes welling up as he ignored Joey completely. The Italian rolled his eyes, giving up. Chandler was not in the right state of mind. A pregnant woman was hard enough to deal with; he should know, he had seven sisters. But a pregnant man who had become a woman, who had another consciousness in his mind? That was an insane combination.

"-without my penis!" Chandler finished, gesturing wildly while Rachel tried to calm him. Joey was glad he had tuned out; it didn't sound like anything good.

"We'll get it back, I promise!" Rachel looked desperate, and more then a little exhausted. Joey decided to jump in and save her.

"Come on, let's just go talk to Phoebe, huh?" he said softly. Chandler glared at him for a long while, making Joey shift uncomfortably. He didn't dare say anything; nothing good could come from that.

"Alright," Chandler agreed finally. Rachel let out the breath she was holding, then put on a huge smile when Chandler turned to her. She grabbed his hand and started pulling him down the corridor.

"Come on then, the more time we waste here, the longer you're going to be a woman!" she exclaimed, and Joey could sense the hint of hysteria in her voice. He smirked, and followed then, keeping a safe distance.

He needed a bit of time away from his poor knocked up wife.

* * *

"I'm coming! _I'm coming!" _Phoebe screamed at the door…well, at the obnoxious knocking on the door. "Can't a woman enjoy her naked time?" she muttered under her breath as she buttoned her shirt up. The knocking continued, getting louder and louder by the second. "_I'm coming!"_

She pulled open the door and was greeted by the sight of a haggard looking Joey and Rachel, and the face of a tear streaked woman.

"You know, knocking harder isn't going to get me to the door quicker," she muttered.

"Yeah…try telling him that!" Joey pointed his thumb at the woman as they stepped inside. Phoebe closed the door behind them.

"Well, I'm sorry, but it was cold out there!"

"It's like 80 degrees!" Joey exclaimed. "I'm sweating!"

"You're not the one in the mini skirt! And plus, I usually have a bit more padding! Which you obviously know a lot about!" the woman poked Joey's stomach, and Phoebe watched in amusement as Joey's face turned red. Rachel let out a small giggle, covering her mouth at Joey's glare.

"Sorry," she muttered.

"Okay…as much as I am enjoying this…what's going on?" Phoebe asked, frowning slightly.

"Well Pheebs, Chandler got himself pregnant!" Joey snapped, his voice tight with annoyance.

"Oh, you say that like it's my fault! You know, it takes two people to make a baby!"

"Well, it sure as hell wasn't me!"

"You acted like you wanted it to be!"

"When?"

"At the hospital! You were all like 'oh she's Mrs Tribbiani' not 'oh Miss Bing'! I wanted to be Miss Bing! I wanted that!"

Phoebe stared at the quarrelling couple, then turned to Rachel, who had poured herself a strong drink and had taken a seat on the couch.

"It was a long cab ride," she explained. Phoebe nodded.

"While we are on that subject, why do you smell like smoke?" Joey yelled. "Were you smoking? Were you?"

"I walked through a group of smokers! What do you think, I would harm my baby? Oh, excuse me, _our _baby?"

"Hey, that is Monica's doing, not mine!"

"Okay, okay, _okay!" _Phoebe stepped in between the two, placing her hands on their chest. "That's enough!"

"Uh Pheebs?" Phoebe looked over at the woman, and noticed where she had her hand. She quickly pulled it away.

"Sorry Chandler, but those are some big breasts you have!"

"Wait a minute…you know that's Chandler?" Rachel asked from the couch, sounding suspicious.

"Well duh! I mean, I didn't recognise him in that colour. You know, he doesn't usually _wear _black," Phoebe explained patiently. Rachel raised her eyebrows.

"And the fact that…he's a woman didn't throw you off?"

"It's still Chandler," Phoebe shrugged. "What, you guys didn't figure it out straight away? How slow are you?"

"You're a weird lady," Joey muttered. Phoebe rolled her eyes, taking Chandler's hand and leading him over to the couch. Chandler shoved Rachel aside, ignoring the death glare he received.

"Okay, let me get a look at you." Phoebe grabbed Chandler's face with her hands, turning it harshly.

"You know, if you twist it hard enough, it does come off!" Chandler said sarcastically. Phoebe smiled sweetly at him.

"Well, this is very interesting. _Very _interesting. Yup…definitely a woman!" she let go of Chandler's face.

"Thankyou Phoebe, I hadn't figured that out yet…although the huge cleavage did throw me off!" Chandler glanced down at his chest, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, don't get snippy with me! You got yourself into this mess!"

"How? How did I do that?"

"I don't know, but you did!"

"Great argument Pheebs, it really is! I'm so convinced!" Chandler stood quickly, then stumbled. "Stupid girly shoes!"

The three watched in silence as he stalked off, heading towards the bathroom.

"Shouldn't we follow him?" Phoebe whispered.

"Noooo," Joey shook his head.

"Yeah, that would be a big no…he's kinda crazy." Rachel took another drink. "He actually _bit _me in the car! He bit me!"

"Wow…what did you do to him?"

"_Nothing! _I didn't do anything! I'm telling you Pheebs, girl Chandler…really not much fun to hang around! There are no jokes! There are no sweet comments! All there is, is screaming, yelling, crying, and of course, the big one, biting!"

"Well, that sounds pretty fun to me." Phoebe regretted her words as soon as they left her mouth; Rachel and Joey both glaring at her.

"Fun? _Fun? _Twenty minutes Phoebe! Twenty minutes in a cab with him! Oh, and an entire day with him at the hospital…getting poked and prodded! You think that's fun?"

"Oh, come on you guys…he's your friend," Phoebe reminded them. "You know that if one of you were in his position, he would be right there, helping _you _out!"

"No, he would be right there, _mocking _us!"

"No Rach, she's right…he's Chandler and he needs our help…crazy and pregnant is not an easy thing to go through."

"You're telling me…I was so crazy when I was pregnant, I almost jumped Monica," Phoebe muttered.

"What?"

"What? I was horny!" she defended herself from Rachel's surprised stare. Joey grinned, nodding his head.

"Interesting." Rachel smacked him with a pillow, then stood up.

"Okay, I had a drink; I think I'm ready to handle Miss I-don't-have-a-thing." She stared at Joey intently.

"What? I didn't get a drink! You think I'm ready to handle _that _crazy woman?" he exclaimed.

"I'm not doing it on my own! I'm not _that _drunk! Now come on!" Joey rolled his eyes.

"Fine!"

They glanced at Phoebe, who shook her head.

"Oh no, I'm new…you guys can deal with this." With that, she stood up and walked into her bedroom. Joey and Rachel looked at each other, then sighed in unison.

"Chandler?" Joey called through the closed door.

"Go away! I _will _bite you!" Chandler yelled back. Joey shook his head in frustration.

"Well, we tried," he muttered, turning around to leave. Rachel grabbed his arm, pulling him back.

"Chandler! Come on! You are coming out, or so help me, I will get Phoebe to kick your ass!" she exclaimed.

"Don't bring me into this!" Phoebe yelled from her bedroom. Joey glanced down at the ground, and frowned.

"Chandler….why is there smoke coming from underneath the door?"

There was a long silence.

"Would you believe me if I said I combusted?" Chandler answered finally.

"Chandler Bing! If you are smoking in there, I am going to…I am going to-"

"What Rach? You're going to cry again? It's not like I'm drinking your orange juice!"

"Ohh!" Rachel growled, banging on the door once more. "I'll get Monica to come and sort you out!"

There was another long silence.

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh, wouldn't I? And I'll tell her…I'll tell her that Joey is the father!"

"Hey!" Joey exclaimed. "Don't bring _me _into this!"

"Yeah, well, I'll tell her that you were the one who killed her pet goldfish Floaty, all those years ago!" Rachel let out a gasp, her hand flying to her mouth.

"How do you know about that!" she glanced at Joey, who was staring at the roof innocently. "Joey!"

"I tell Chandler everything! I can't help it, it's like a disease!"

"Well, maybe I'll tell him that you put itching powder in his underwear!" she yelled. The door flew open, and Chandler stared at Joey, cigarette still in his hand.

"That was you?" his voice was dangerously low. Joey shifted uncomfortably.

"No," he said pitifully.

"Three days Joey! Three days I was itchy! _Three days!"_

"And three days I was laughing! What, like you haven't done anything mean to me? You put my hand in a bucket of warm water while I had Angela Delvecchio in my bed with me! I peed all over her and she told everybody she knew! You know how many woman I didn't sleep with because of that?"

"You told Tina Milestone that I was gay!"

"You told Mary Sizemore that I liked spankings!"

"You do!"

"Not from her and her huge man hands!"

"I thought you liked it rough!"

"Okay, you know what guys…you know way too much about each other," Rachel interrupted, stepping forward. "Now Chandler…give me the cigarette."

"No," Chandler said defiantly, taking a step back and closing the door. Rachel jammed her foot in the doorway, effectively stopping it from closing. Using all her might, she pushed it back open.

"Give it to me!" she yelled, closing in on him. Chandler smirked, then took a drag. Rachel scowled as he blew the smoke in her face. "Oh, you are just digging your own grave there buddy! Now give it to me!"

"No! You'll have to come and get it!"

"Don't think I won't!"

Joey watched as Rachel grabbed Chandler and pushed her up against the wall, trying to reach for the cigarette. Chandler relented, dodging Rachel swiftly. He stumbled back, and almost tripped, but regained his balance at the last second. Smiling triumphantly at Joey, he didn't notice Rachel lunging at him. They both ended up on the ground.

"Hey, hey, hey! Pregnant woman!" Joey exclaimed.

"I don't care! He's killing it anyway with those death sticks!" Rachel yelled, reaching for said death stick. Chandler pushed her away.

"Let me just finish it! One isn't going to do any harm! I'm distressed; it's the least you could do!"

"No!" Rachel reached for the cigarette again, then froze as a shrill voice echoed through the room.

"_Chandler Muriel Bing!"_

A long silence stretched out, every one staring at Phoebe; two identical faces of shock, one of pure horror. The cigarette dropped to the ground; forgotten. Phoebe walked over and stepped on it, then glared down at the twosome.

"Ex…excuse me?" Rachel managed to splutter. "Did…did you just say 'Muriel'?"

"You said you couldn't remember your middle name!" Joey exclaimed from the doorway, looking upset.

"I say a lot of things!" Chandler said in exasperation, sitting up. Joey's sadness quickly turned to amusement as he realised what had just been said.

"Wait…Muriel? _Muriel? _That's a girl's name!"

"You swore you would never tell!" Chandler hissed at Phoebe.

"Yeah, well you swore you would never smoke again!" she shot back.

"I never said that."

"Didn't you? _Didn't you?"_

"…no!" Phoebe stared at him for a long moment, then shrugged.

"Eh, it doesn't matter." She laughed at her mistake while Chandler glowered at her.

"Muriel? _Muriel? _Oh, that is just _too _funny!" Rachel said gleefully.

"As funny as Floaty dying?" Chandler shot back.

"_So _much more funnier! Muriel as a middle name…for a guy! God, your parents must really hate you!"

"Don't get me started on _your _middle name," Chandler warned.

"What's wrong with Karen?"

"What's wrong with Karen?" Chandler mocked. Rachel glared at him, sitting up.

"Wait…you told Pheebs your middle name…but you didn't tell me?" Joey looked more than hurt.

"I didn't tell her…she found out by accident." Chandler stood up, ignoring Rachel when she held her hand out for help. Sighing, she pulled herself up, discreetly kicking him in the shin. Chandler continued to ignore her.

"How?"

"An unfortunate game of scrabble," he muttered.

"Scrabble? That isn't a question and answer game…h…how did that work out?" Rachel asked, confused.

"You two have obviously never played Chandler and my game of scrabble!" Phoebe said smugly. Joey and Rachel watched as the two high fived, then rolled their eyes.

"Okay…we came here for a reason, so you," Joey pointed at Chandler, "Smoky smokerson…get your act together! We have some things to figure out…namely, how you are turning back into a man!"

"Fine," Chandler grumbled, following Joey and Phoebe out the room. Rachel trailed behind, still smirking.

"Muriel…classic."

"Shut up."


	6. Liam the Gargantuan

Wow...I havent updated for a while...sorry! But with this story, I really have to be in a certian mood to write...and that comes and goes hehe. But I was in that mood tonight, so here we are! Like I said, this story is going to get weirder and sillier, but it's all in good fun! Please read and review and I love you!

I do not own friends/actors/characters, but I do own Liam...you'll see...and oh, by the way, I'M KEEPING HIM!

* * *

"I mean, it really is a beautiful colour."

Chandler, Rachel and Joey stared at Phoebe blankly as she continued to talk.

"I've never seen such a red before…it really is a great manicure Chandler!"

"Pheebs, that's great but…it's not really helpful," Rachel said after a moment's silence.

"Oh, I know!"

"Then why are you saying it?" Chandler said exasperated. "Why aren't you helping me?"

"What, you expect me to know everything? I don't know how to fix this!"

"You said-"

"I said that we had to figure out how to do this. _We_, not me! You guys have to figure something out too, you know!" Phoebe said, rolling her eyes.

"But we can't!"

"Have you tried?" there was a short silence as the three glanced at one another.

"Well…no, we just…we kinda figured that you would know," Joey muttered, looking down at his hands.

"Well, I don't."

"Okay, this is not helping…maybe we could come up with possibilities of _how _this happened?" Rachel suggested. "Chandler, you start."

"Oh, okay…well, perhaps my _life has been destroyed!_"

"Okay…there's one suggestion, anyone else?" Rachel asked after a moment's silence. Chandler leaned back in his seat, pouting unhappily.

"Oh! Maybe its like, a government experiment?" Joey exclaimed.

"Maybe it is! Or maybe, some one has this special machine that turns people into other people? You know, like in that TV show we were watching once?"

"Yeah! Or maybe it's a spell!" Phoebe said excitedly. Rachel scowled slightly, also leaning back in her chair.

"Maybe…still like the sound of the special machine."

"A spell?" Joey questioned.

"Yeah! Maybe Monica, like, cursed you or something?"

"Well, apparently she did wish that I could feel a woman's pain," Chandler muttered, glancing down at his manicured hands.

"Maybe it was a wish? Maybe she met up with a leprechaun?" Phoebe suggested, then frowned. "Do leprechauns grant wishes?"

"I think so…maybe goblins?" Rachel frowned as well. "Or maybe-"

"Does it matter?" Chandler hissed.

"Well, yes! We could be tracking down the wrong creature for nothing if we get it wrong!"

"It doesn't matter Pheebs, none of that is possible! Leprechauns and goblins don't exist!" Chandler yelled, leaping to his feet and starting to pace.

"Okay, have you actually _met _a leprechaun or goblin? Because you don't know!" Chandler turned towards Phoebe, glaring at her angry face.

"No! No, I haven't met a leprechaun or goblin, because _they don't exist!_ It isn't possible!"

"Is turning into a woman possible?" Joey asked after a beat. Chandler paused in his steps, an odd look covering his stunning face. "Did you think that was possible?"

"…no."

"No…but it happened, so you were wrong. Maybe you're wrong about this too?"

Chandler sighed, sitting back down on the couch.

"Maybe," he admitted tiredly. "But it's…its stupid…leprechauns? They can't be real…"

"You obviously haven't met my friend McFarely."

"Why? Is he a leprechaun?" Rachel asked Phoebe in awe.

"No…he just really believes in them."

"Okay…so have we decided on leprechauns?" Joey said after a moment.

"No…it has to be something more logical."

"Like what?"

"Like…like someone is trying to ruin my life!" Chandler exclaimed. A knock on the door stopped anybody from saying anything in response. Phoebe stood and walked over to the door, glancing at the group before opening the door.

"Hey Pheebs!" Ross said happily.

"Ross!"

"Oh god." Chandler buried his face into his hands. "I was hoping he wouldn't have to find out…"

"Hey, maybe he can help us!" Rachel said at the same time.

"Oh, hey Rach…" Ross glanced at Joey, an odd look covering his face. "Hey…Joe."

"Ross," Joey said awkwardly, knowing exactly what Ross was thinking about. He wished that he had said anything other then what he had said, but it was too late now. Ross thought he was a cross dresser.

"Who is your friend?" Chandler raised his eyebrows as Ross gave him an appreciative once over. "I don't believe we have met. I'm Ross Gellar, _Doctor _Ross Gellar."

"You know, that line might work on a lot of people Ross, but I know for a fact that it isn't going to work on me."

"Oh…and why is that?" Ross looked slightly hurt, but still seemed determined.

"Because you are a male, and there fore you are going to go running when I say these next words."

"Try me," Ross said, a flirty smile covering his face. Chandler smiled back.

"I'm pregnant."

"Oh…"

"But wait! I'm not finished! Now heres the real kicker…it's to your sister!" Chandler broke out in a fit of laughter, which the other three nervously joined in. Ross, meanwhile, stared in confusion at them.

"Okay…I don't, uh, I don't really know what's going on…are you Joey's girlfriend? Is this a joke about his cross dressing?"

The laughter immediately stopped, and Joey started to scowl at Ross, while the other three stared at him in amusement.

"Cr…cross dressing?" Chandler started to laugh again. "Oh, this is _so_ much better than a cigarette."

"Shut up, Muriel!" Joey hissed. Rachel let out a snort.

"Muriel…oh man, that is going up on my wall!"

"What does that even mean?" Chandler asked in confusion. Rachel shrugged, twirling her hair around her fingers.

"Okay Ross…we kinda need your help here." A confused Ross turned his attention to Phoebe, who had been standing by the door. "Okay…Joey, you go."

"What? Why do I have to explain it?" Joey exclaimed.

"Because you have to! I don't know the full story-"

"Yes you do," Joey interrupted.

"And we both know that if these two," Phoebe pointed to Rachel and Chandler, "explain it, there will be either tears or tantrums…or possibly both!"

Joey sighed, then stood up to face a still confused Ross.

"Okay Ross, here's the deal. Monica met up with a leprechaun and turned Chandler into a woman, and he's pregnant."

Ross stared at Joey for a long moment, then turned to the girls on the couch.

"And that is Chandler?" he pointed to Chandler.

"Yup...100 percent woman…you were just hitting on your best friend." Joey slapped Ross on the back.

"So let me get this straight…my sister just happened to run into a mystical creature from Ireland, then decide to wish that Chandler could turn into an incredibly hot woman, just for something to do, and then as an extra kick, decided to make him pregnant...is that what you guys are saying?"

"I don't think he believes us," Phoebe whispered loudly after a moment of silence.

"Oh no, no, no! I believe you! Of course I believe you! I mean, it's just, uh, completely impossible, but no, I _totally _believe you."

"Yeah…see, I don't think you do," Joey said after another moment of silence. Ross rolled his eyes, exasperated.

"Of course I don't believe you! It's ridiculous! It's impossible, not to mention stupid. For one thing, Chandler would _never _be that hot!"

"You know, I can _hear _you guys when you say that!" Chandler stood and walked over to Ross, poking him in the chest with his perfectly manicured finger. "Listen here Dinosaur Boy, I stood by you all these years…sure I ridiculed you, but that was just out of 'love'," he made quotation marks in the air, causing a stifled giggle to come from Rachel's direction, "I was there when you married your lesbian, when you were totally obsessed with Rach, when you would just bitch and moan _all the live long day _about not being able to have her, then when you would bitch and moan when you finally had her because of that Mark guy, and after you guys broke up, when you stopped using hair gel, when you started using too _much_ hair gel, when you got married to Emily and when you got married to Rachel and then when-"

"Is there a point to this essay that you are writing me?" Ross interrupted. Chandler scowled slightly.

"What I'm trying to say is I stood by you all that time, and the least you could do in return is stand by me when I am pregnant with your sister's _baby!" _Tears sprung to Chandler's eyes and he abruptly turned away and sat back down on the couch. "I miss Monica!"

"Oh honey," Rachel soothed, rubbing his back soothingly.

"Okay…I'm not exactly sure what just happened," Ross said after a beat. Rachel glared at him.

"You upset him, that's what happened!"

"What? Upset? I didn't do anything!"

"Yes you did, you doubted him! And you reminded him of Monica! Don't you know by now that upsetting a pregnant woman is a bad idea?"

"Yeah, and upsetting a pregnant man is even worse!" Phoebe exclaimed. Ross glanced at Phoebe then back to Rachel and the sobbing figure next to her.

"I, uh, I…."

"You what Ross?" Chandler asked tearfully. "What? Just say it! We all know you're thinking it! You're thinking about how fat I'm gonna get, aren't you!"

"…actually, I was just thinking about leaving."

"Same thing."

Ross stared at Chandler for a minute longer, then shook his head and walked to the door.

"Don't let the door hit your smarmy, non believing ass on the way out!" Ross paused at Chandler's comment, then chose to ignore it, grabbing the doorknob instead. He opened the door, then let out a startled gasp.

"Hello!" a tiny man dressed all in green greeted Ross, tipping his hat in the group's general direction.

"Uh…hi, can I help you?" Ross asked.

"Actually you can. You can get the hell out of my way." Ross gaped at the man for a second, then stepped out of his way. The little man walked inside, handing Ross his hat as he went.

"Can _I _help you?" Phoebe questioned the little man. He gazed up at her, scratching his bright red hair.

"Chandler Bing?"

"Oh, no I'm not him, that's Chandler," she pointed to her pregnant friend, who stood up slowly.

"Ah, of course, how do you do?" he went to tip his hat, then realised that he didn't have it on. Shooting an annoyed look at Ross, he chose instead to bow.

"Well, I'm in the middle of the worst day of my life, but I'm doing just peachy!" Chandler gave two thumbs up, causing the man to smirk.

"Ah, she said you were sarcastic…among other things."

"I'm sorry, but who the hell are you?" Rachel piped up from the couch.

"Oh, how rude of me! I'm Liam the Gargantuan, but you can all just call me Liam." He bowed again, then looked up hopefully at the group. Ross, by this time had closed the door and joined his friends. "I'm your friendly neighbourhood leprechaun."

"I knew it! I knew it was a leprechaun who did this!" Phoebe exclaimed, pointing at Liam excitedly.

"What? First pregnant female Chandlers and now leprechauns?" Ross let out an obnoxious laugh, which was completely ignored by the others.

"I can't believe it," Chandler whispered, staring in awe at Liam. "I was so sure that you guys didn't exist."

"That's because we are excellent at stealth missions," Liam explained.

"Wait…if you are a leprechaun, then why don't you have an Irish accent?" Rachel questioned.

"Oh, the leprechaun colony started to expand in the late 1800's and many of us chose to move away from the home land. My grandfather, William the Fornicator, moved to the grand old U S of A. I actually come from Brooklyn."

"You don't say?" Joey mused.

"William the Fornicator? Why was he called that?" Ross found himself asking, despite his disbelief. He glanced down at the hat in his hands, then rolled his eyes and set it on the table.

"I don't really want to go into that right now…lets just say he liked a bit of rough and tumble if you know what I mean…with any and everything he could find." Liam rolled his eyes, then sat down on the couch next to Chandler. "So…you're the guy I turned girly?"

"Yes…I guess I am," Chandler said dryly. "Thanks ever so much for that, by the way."

"Are you here to turn him back?" Joey asked eagerly. Liam hesitated.

"Uh, actually…I'm here to tell you that…well, I'm a bit of a…rookie, you might say. I haven't really done all that many wishes…this was like my third one and I was a bit ner-"

"Just get to the point!" Chandler shrieked.

"Okay! I kinda, accidentally, sort of, maybe…got the wish wrong…" Liam cringed, readying himself for the onslaught he expected. He wasn't disappointed.

"You what? You _what? _You messed up? You made a mistake? How could you? You stupid, tiny little, freaky, ugly, ugly man! How the hell-"

"In what way did you get the wish wrong?" Rachel asked gently, interrupting Chandler's rage.

"Well…when Monica made the wish, I did everything right but she some how got, uh…" he glanced down at his tiny feet and mumbled the rest of the sentence.

"What?"

"She got sucked into another dimension," he muttered. There was a long silence.

"_What!" _Chandler shrieked, leaping to his feet. "She what? How could that happen? Why would that happen?"

"That explains the shoes," Joey said under his breath.

"Well, on the plus side, you getting pregnant wasn't part of the deal…that was a surprise bonus…and if Monica never gets back, you will always have someone in your life." Liam laughed uneasily, glancing around at the furious faces. "Okay, I messed up! I am so sorry, but…well, there really is nothing I can do to make this better!"

"You could bring Monica back!" Chandler exclaimed.

"No I cant…you see, us Leprechauns can _open _the portals to other dimensions, but we are forbidden from entering…my great uncle Colin the Fool messed that up for us."

"So, what you're saying is, you can't go and get Mon out?" Rachel hissed.

"I…I can turn Chandler back into a man," Liam said helplessly. "Free of charge?"

"Well, it would be the least you could do," Phoebe retorted.

"No, wait! I have to get Mon back!" Chandler took a deep breath. "Are…are other's allowed through the portal?"

"…yes…but it isn't advised."

"I'm going in," Chandler said instantly.

"What? Chandler, you are in no state to travel, least of all to another dimension!" Joey exclaimed.

"I don't care, I'm going! I have to save my girlfriend…I'm going, whether or not you support me."

"Well, I can't let you go alone," Joey said softly. "Crazy pregnant man in another world…it's just screaming danger! I'm coming too!"

"Oh, yeah! Me too! We hardly _ever _go anywhere together!" Phoebe grinned widely. Everyone turned to face Rachel.

"What?" she asked innocently. They all continued to stare at her. "Oh fine, I'll come too I guess…if you all are going, I don't want to be left behind."

"Ross?"

"Oh yeah, sure, I'll come to your 'alternate dimension'. I'll go through your little 'portal'."

"You still don't believe us, do you?" Chandler snapped.

"Uh…no!"

"Ross, a leprechaun is sitting right in front of you!" Rachel exclaimed. Ross rolled his eyes.

"Sure, uh huh…Leprechaun…right."

"You got a problem buddy?" Liam leapt to his feet and walked over to Ross, glaring up at him.

"Oh no, no problem here Mr Leprechaun! Please, keep your lucky charms away from me!" Ross laughed.

"Oh god, and to think, I once married him," Rachel muttered, rubbing her face with her hands.

"Yeah, well, he came on to me," Chandler countered. "Liam…when can you open this portal thingy?" Liam continued to glare at Ross.

"You'll get yours jerk off," he hissed, before turning towards the others. Without saying a word, he held his hand out. The five of them watched in amazement as the air started to contort around them.

"Oh my god!" Rachel exclaimed as what she could only guess was a portal, opened in front of them. Through the portal, she could see grass, trees, the sky, and animals that she had never seen, but had only read about in books.

"Oh, a unicorn!" Phoebe shrieked in amazement.

"Pinch me," Chandler said under his breath.

"I would, but I'm too busy pinching myself," Joey muttered back.

"Oh…hurt?"

"Like hell."

"Thought as much."

"Okay…now, you guys take this," Liam handed them each a small black stone, with the exception of Ross, who received nothing more than a dirty look. "To get back home you just have to-"

"Click your heels three times?"

Liam glared at Chandler for a moment, who chose to glance down at the floor in shame.

"No…you just hold it and think of home…it's that simple!"

"What will you be doing while we are gone?" Joey asked. Liam grinned, then sat down on the couch and grabbed the remote.

"I will be chilling here…waiting to turn Chandler back into a man."

"Why don't you just do that now?" Rachel questioned.

"Because I need the person who made the wish to be in the room…now hurry! The portal doesn't stay open forever! And be careful for crying out loud! Don't need another client of mine dying."

"Okay…you guys ready?" Chandler glanced around at his friends.

"Not really, but I have a feeling that my opinion doesn't matter at the moment," Rachel muttered

"It doesn't…Ross? You coming?"

Ross was still staring in shock at the portal.

"How did you guys do this?" he whispered. Chandler rolled his eyes, then reached over and grabbed his friends' shirt.

"You're coming with us…now here we go!"

"Wait!" Liam cried just as they were about to step through.

"What?" Joey exclaimed impatiently.

"I almost forgot…you guys have to be touching each other, otherwise you kinda…you know, could end up on opposite sides of the planet."

"O…Okay." The five of them gripped hands with the people next to them, Ross deciding just to go along with it. "Alright…for the second time tonight…here we go!"

They stepped through the portal, and it immediately closed behind them. Liam shook his head, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

"They better bring me back a souvenir."


	7. Hidden Tales and Unicorns

(cries) oh my god, I am _so _happy...I feel the need for a song! Happy happy joy joy!...okay, that is so early 90's but seriously! You know all those net problem's I've been having (proly not, but I've been having A LOT!) well, we figured out what it was...you know, when two days ago, our phone lines just stopped working completely! Turns out there was a split in one of the phone lines and they have now fixed it...which means NORMAL GOOD INTERNET! AWOOHOO! sorry, I'm just so incredibly happy now becuase things are all going as they should be going (grins manically) but enough about that...onwards with the story I say!

Yeah, I finally updated this crazy thing, feeling the need to write a lighter story while the phone lines were down...you know, to cheer me up. I'm not sure how good this chap is, I was half asleep when I wrote it, but I have found that being half asleep is a good thing when writin comedy...cause you are slightly hysterical, but anyway! I hope you all enjoy this and I will be updating ...probably after I update all the other ones...it might be a while, but bear with me! I think that there will only be two or three chaps left on this one. So please read and review and I love you! Oh, and in case any one has forgotten, this is set around mid season 6, which would be...late 2000? i dont know, my brain aint working.

I do not own friends/actors/LOTR (you'll see)characters, or any other cliche I may have stolen from for this story, but I do currently own a gross computer screen, having just sneezed all over it...yuk. Man, hayfever is theBEST!

* * *

"Cool!"

Chandler glanced around in awe, Joey's exclamation barely registering with him.

"Cool!" he echoed. They were in a field; grass stretching for miles around them, with trees littering the ground every so often. In the distance there was a forest, and he could see smoke, far, far away though. A variety of animals were spread throughout the field, most cows and horses, but there were a few that were unlike anything Chandler had ever witnessed.

"Oh my god you guys, would you look at this?" Rachel whispered as they all took a few steps forward.

"I know, I am _so _taking that unicorn home with me!" Before anyone could say anything, Phoebe had started for the unicorn, which surprisingly didn't run when she approached. Well, Chandler wasn't sure whether or not he should have been surprised that it didn't run, never having actually encountered a unicorn before. He wasn't sure if they were the type of creature to flee or befriend. From the look of this one, they were the latter.

"It's so soft!" Phoebe giggled as she happily patted the unicorn's fur. "Oh, you are so mine!"

"This is incredible," Rachel murmured as she slowly approached the unicorn. Reaching out with a shaking hand, she let out a small gasp as skin connected with fur. "Oh!"

"See? I told ya!"

Rachel continued to stroke the unicorn, looking at its face. It may have been her imagination, but she could have sworn that it had smiled at her. Before she could continue that thought, the unicorn started trotting away.

"No, wait! No! Oh no," Phoebe watched as it slowly made it's way up the hill, then turned and looked at them briefly before trotting off out of their view. "Oh, now I'll never have a pet!"

"Don't worry Pheebs, I'm sure we'll find something else," Joey said soothingly. "Right Chan…Chan?"

"You know what's weird?" Chandler said after a beat, obviously having not heard Joey. "I mean, besides this entire situation…this place reminds me of how I pictured Middle Earth to look…you know, Middle Earth? Lord of the Rings?"

"I never read Lord of the Rings…but I did read the Hobbit…oh! You are so right! It does look like that!" Rachel glanced around in amazement. "Like Earth except not…and Middle Earth didn't have unicorns."

"It could have, we just never heard about them."

"You know, I think I heard that they are making a movie about that," Joey piped up.

"What? Lord of the Rings?"

"Yeah."

"Cool! I'm totally gonna see that opening night! What about you Ross?" Chandler paused for a moment, waiting for an answer. "Ross?"

The group turned to find Ross pressed up against a tree, wide eyes glancing around in horror.

"Uh Ross? You okay there buddy?" Joey asked, stepping forward.

"I think he's freaking out," Phoebe whispered after a long pause.

"Ross?"

"How…how did you guys do this?" Ross shrieked after another long pause.

"Well…we met up with a leprechaun, who opened a portal to another dimension…come on Ross, you were there!" Rachel exclaimed.

"But…but…but…this isn't _possible!"_

"Oh for crying out loud," Chandler muttered, making his way over to Ross. "Men…useless…._Ross!_ We're in another dimension! I got turned into a woman! There was a leprechaun! It's all true, nothing's made up! Now come on, we're gonna go save your sister!"

"But…"

"It's either that or you can stay here by yourself."

"Ross looked at Chandler for a long moment, then reluctantly nodded. "O-Okay lady."

"_Chandler! _I'm Chandler!"

Ross continued to stare at Chandler, and then shook his head, obviously not believing him. Chandler sighed, then grabbed Ross by the arm and started to drag him towards the rest of the group. "Fine, don't believe me, I don't care! Now hurry up!"

"Okay, okay! Let go of me, you're hurting me!"

"Hurting you? Jeez Ross, I'm a _tiny little woman!_"

Rachel, Phoebe and Joey all glanced at one another as the other two made their way over, bickering relentlessly. "Do you think we could just leave those two behind?"

"Nah…Monica would probably get pretty pissed if we did," Rachel told Joey after a beat.

"Yeah and besides, I never did get to find out where Chandler had his nails done," Phoebe added.

"_Hey! _That was eight years ago lady, and how do you know about that?" Ross screamed.

"You are _so_ close to getting a bitch slap Ross," Chandler warned, raising a well manicured hand. Ross shied away.

"Okay! Okay, you're Chandler! I believe you, whatever!"

"Thank you! Shall we go?"

"…where?"

Rachel's question stopped Chandler in his tracks as he realised that he had no idea where to go from here. Monica could be anywhere.

"Uhh…"

"Maybe we just walk for a while and see what we find?" Phoebe suggested. Joey nodded in agreement.

"But what if something happens to Mon while we are walking around aimlessly?" Chandler exclaimed. "She could die! She could…someone could hurt her and then…and she could die!"

"Chandler, I'm sure she'll be fine! Monica's a tough girl," Rachel insisted. Chandler sniffled.

"You think?"

"Of course!" Phoebe agreed.

"Maybe we should walk towards that smoke?" Joey suggested after a beat.

"I don't know, it might be something that we don't wanna see."

"But it's still something!" Chandler snapped in Rachel's direction.

"Well excuse me for being cautious!"

"You don't think I'm cautious?"

"Well, you seem to have no problem rushing into things! I mean, you're pregnant!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you have no problem rushing into things! Didn't I just say that?"

"Coming from the person who proposed to a boyfriend after _four _dates!"

"Hey, that was only because I was upset!"

"You're _always_ upset!"

"That is so not _true_!"

"Oh no? Then why are you crying?"

"I miss Monica!"

"So do I!"

"Oh sweet Lucifer," Phoebe muttered as Chandler and Rachel went from screaming at one another to sobbing in each other's arms. "Hey! You two miss Mon?"

"Yes," Chandler whimpered as he pulled away from Rachel.

"Well, how is crying over her going to bring her back?"

"I…I don't know…" Rachel trailed off, glancing down at her feet. Joey smirked, not feeling the need to speak up. Phoebe was doing fine.

"Well okay then! Now, are we going, or are we gonna just continue to cry and whine about it? Because I, for one, feel like walking my ass off."

There was a long pause as Chandler and Rachel glanced at one another, then both nodded.

"Okay Pheebs," they said in unison.

"Okay then! Now, let's go!"

"Hey Chandler?" Joey said as they started to walk. Ross watched them for a moment, then sighed and started to follow.

"What Joe?"

"Maybe you can actually walk your ass off…you know, keep in shape before you get fat?" Joey let out a grunt as Chandler's elbow connected with his stomach. "Hey! I'm just saying! Jeez, you're moody!"

"Moody? Oh no, I'm not moody Joey! Moody would be if I decided to start dancing around the meadow with _flowers in my hair!"_

"…okay, I don't even get that," Phoebe said after an apprehensive moment.

"I think he was going for a play on words…you know, like happy would be if he was dancing in the meadow, and moody would be this…he swapped it around, for sarcastic benefits," Rachel explained, frowning slightly. Phoebe nodded.

"Ah."

They continued to walk – Chandler stumbling every now and then -a tense silence falling upon them. Ross was trailing behind, a look of shock on his face still.

"Oh man, am I glad I decided to wear these shoes," Chandler said sarcastically after stumbling once more. "Wait a minute…I didn't decide…that was _you!"_

"Hey, you could have gone and grabbed yourself another pair missy," Joey said, raising his hands defensively.

"_Missy? _Oh no, you didn't just call me that!"

"Wow, and I thought dinner with both of my parents together was tense," Rachel remarked as she listened to Chandler and Joey bitch at one another.

"You wanna talk about tense? Once, I was so tense that all the nervous energy and tension I was displaying actually _lit _a candle in the next room!"

"That…uh, that never happened, did it Pheebs?" Ross finally spoke. Phoebe shrugged.

"Tension, grandma. Tomayto, tomato…big diff! I mean, if my grandma hadn't lit it, I'm sure I could have."

"Of course you could have honey," Rachel said soothingly, stepping over a mud pile.

"Du-ude!"

"Oh relax, they aren't even listening!" Chandler snapped at Joey.

"But still! Those words were never meant to be spoken in public!"

"What words?" Phoebe asked. Chandler and Joey glanced at the group, both looking like deer's caught in headlights.

"Uh…nothing," Chandler muttered, sounding embarrassed.

"Oh…hidden tales, huh?" Rachel raised her eyebrows. "Tell us more."

"There's nothing to tell!"

"Oh really?"

"I heard something about a shower," Ross said after a beat, finally looking like he was getting used to the idea that they were in another dimension and that Chandler was, in fact, a woman.

"No you didn't, nuh uh!"

"Shower hey?" Rachel thought this through for a moment. "Did you guys shower together?"

"No!"

"Of course not!"

"Oh, you guys so did!" Phoebe exclaimed. Joey rolled his eyes.

"Okay, _fine!"_

"Du-ude!"

"But we didn't shower together…Chandler helped me take a shower when I had my hernia thingy!"

"Hey! I wasn't the only one who didn't want that out in the open!" Chandler exclaimed.

"I believe in getting things out!"

"You helped him shower?" Ross asked him incredulously. Chandler stopped, pointing a red fingernail Ross' way.

"You laughing at me, Taco Boy?"

"O-Of course not…no where near as much as I was when we went to Atlantic City."

"Oh really? And who cried when they came in fourth in the Vanilla Ice look-alike contest?"

"Who came in first?"

"Least I won some money!"

"Whatever dude, you kissed a guy."

"W-What?" Rachel exclaimed. Chandler turned to face her.

"I thought he was a woman!"

"Did the five o'clock shadow throw you off by any chance?" Joey smirked.

"We are _so _moving on!"

"Aw, I wanna hear more hidden tales!" Rachel whined as Chandler started to walk once more. He stopped and glared at her then went to speak, but was interrupted by a horse riding up, a man in armour sitting atop; long black hair billowing in the wind, blue eyes piercing from the chiselled face. Phoebe and Rachel felt their hearts flutter in their chest, and Chandler felt an inkling of that too, something that he quickly pushed aside. His brain was going haywire.

The armoured man stopped in front of them and gazed at each group member in turn, his eyes finally resting on Chandler.

"M'Lady, you will catch your death wearing naught but those clothes!" he exclaimed. Chandler stared at the man for a moment, and then threw his hands into the air.

"Thank you! That's what I've been saying this entire time, but _no! _Joey was _sweating_!"

The armoured man dismounted, sending a glare Ross and Joey's way. "What sort of men do you travel with, if they will not give up their attire to warm such a beauty?"

"Yeah, like we would want to cover her up!" Joey laughed. Chandler shot daggers his way while the armoured man's eyes widened.

"You would treat such a lady as an object of your sordid desires?"

"…huh?" Joey said after a long moment. The man snorted, turning his nose up at Joey before holding a hand out to Chandler.

"M'Lady, it would honour me greatly if such a vision of magnificence such as yourself would accompany me, a lowly knight."

"Uhh," Chandler glanced around at his friends, who were all gaping at the man. "I…uh, what about my friends?"

"The blonde belle and her lovely companion may accompany us, but the pigs shall stay."

"Hey, that's fine with me, screw the guys." Chandler took the knights hand and climbed on top of the horse while Rachel and Phoebe stood there, blushing. Joey and Ross exchanged glances.

"Hey! What about us?" Ross exclaimed.

"Well, you guys aren't visions of magnificence, so you stay behind," Phoebe explained, winking at the knight.

"What? Chan, listen buddy, I know you got the whole 'man hating' thing going on right now, and I respect the fact that you have the 'man hating' person inside your brain, but _come on! _You can't just leave us here! What would Mon say if she found out that you stranded her brother and…her…eater of food in the middle of some other dimension?"

Chandler stared at Joey for a long while, and then glanced at the knight, pouting slightly. "But Joey…I don't wanna _walk_."

"It can't be that far! And listen, if you be good, I might think about carrying you…ah! _If! _Come on Chan, I'm your best friend!"

"Fine!" Chandler rolled his eyes, and then gave the knight an apologetic glance as he climbed down from the horse.

"You are not to accompany me?" the knight asked in a soft voice.

"No, I have to stay with _these _guys…and trust me, you wouldn't want me anyway, not when you saw me pee standing up or throw up from morning sickness."

"Hell, I'll come with you!" Phoebe exclaimed, reaching up for the knights' hand. Rachel pulled her away. "Rach! He's wearing _armour! _This is like my fantasy!"

"Oh, and it's not mine? But we have to stay here with these stupid guys."

"I understand, M'Lady," the knight glanced down at the ground. "But if I could be of assistance?"

"Yeah, we're, uh, looking for a town…or any sort of civilisation…thingy." Joey frowned at his words, and then nodded.

"The town of Sonarale is half a day's travel if you step lightly," the knight said, pointing to the left of them.

"Half a day!" Chandler and Rachel whined in unison.

"Or it is but a short walk that way if you wish to reach the settlement of Lendaly," the knight pointed towards the smoke. "It is a smaller town by comparison, but they are friendly folk."

"Okay, thanks!" Chandler flashed a winning smile at the knight, and then turned to Rachel. "Told you the smoke was safe."

"Don't start with me Chandler."

"So, what's your name?" Phoebe asked the knight, flicking her hair over her shoulder.

"I am Artemis, faithful knight to King Louis."

"Ohh…so _manly_."

"What?" Ross exclaimed. "King Louis?" The knight ignored Ross, still focussing on Phoebe.

"And by what name are you called? Surely something as beautiful as you must have a name like the sunset, or the blossom of a fair winter's rose." Phoebe giggled at the knights' question, but before she could answer, Chandler had grabbed her arm. As she was pulled away, Phoebe glanced back at Artemis.

"I'm Phoebe! Call me!"

"Farewell, fair Phoebe! Farewell, M'Lady! And their lovely companion!"

"Oh…sexy!" Phoebe exclaimed as Artemis rode away.

"Yeah, he had no trouble turning his attention from me to you," Chandler muttered as they began to walk towards the smoke now known as Lendaly.

"Oh please! You turned him down! He wasn't the sort of guy who would wallow in self pity! He was a man of action! Did you not see him?"

"Of course I saw him! And he saw me first!"

"Sounds like someone is jealous," Rachel singsonged.

"_What? _Why would I be jealous? It was a guy! I mean, sure he was attractive in a manly sort of way, and those eyes were bluer than blue, but…oh my god, what is going on with me?"

"I betcha it's the man hater in your brain!" Phoebe exclaimed, for once not assuming that Chandler was gay.

"But that doesn't make any sense…why would a man hater be attracted to a guy?"

"Duh Rach, she obviously isn't a lesbian…and what non lesbian man hater do you know that _doesn't _get turned on by hunky knights with blue eyes?"

"…I guess I would have to say none!"

"There you go! Chandler isn't gay; it is all the man haters fault."

"Sure," Joey said discreetly to Ross, who snickered.

"Wait…why didn't Liam mention anything about the man hater?" Chandler thought suddenly. Rachel and Phoebe frowned, thinking that over. Rachel clapped her hands together, the answer coming to her.

"Oh! To not get himself in as much trouble! Yes! That's it!"

"Okay!"

"Would you look at this place?" Ross said after a short silence, glancing around at the green that surrounded them. "It's incredible."

"I see that some one has finally decided to open his mind," Chandler mused, grimacing as he pulled his boot out of a pile of what he could only hope was mud.

"Well, it took a bit of getting used to, but yeah…having Chandler quip sarcastic remarks at me while sporting-"

"A great rack?"

"I was going for a female body Joey, but that works too! Add that to the fact that we were just dragged through a portal into another dimension, and I think that there is enough evidence to support this."

"Well that's just dandy…oh my god!" Chandler let out a groan as he stepped in yet another mud pile. "What did I do to you?" he screamed down at the mud.

"Chan…you gotta step _over."_

"I'll show you stepping over…lay your corpse down and I'll step all over it!"

Joey raised an eyebrow as Chandler stalked off, glaring down at his ruined boots.

"He's pretty hot and cold, isn't he?" Ross asked, stopping in his tracks.

"Oh, you haven't seen anything Ross…wait till he gets the teeth out," Rachel muttered as she walked past. Ross raised his eyebrows, and then shrugged, following his friends.

* * *

"So…that's Lendaly? It's pretty small…but nice!" 

"It's cosy."

"Cosy my ass, this place is a hole!" Joey panted. Rachel and Phoebe rolled their eyes.

"We _were _trying to put a nice spin on it Joey."

"Well, it wasn't working."

"Shut up and put me down!" Joey rolled his eyes and then helped Chandler climb off of his back.

"You know, I only said you could do that if you were good."

"I _was _good!"

"Oh really? So kicking me in the ribs…what was that?"

"You weren't going fast enough, and besides, I thought you liked having women on top of you, legs wrapped around your waist."

"That is only _half _true! I'm the topper, not the girls!"

"Well, I'm not really that interested in having your body sprawled over me while I sweat and pant!"

"I didn't know that was an option." Chandler rolled his eyes as Joey accompanied his sly remark with a wink.

"Now where can we rest? I'm exhausted!"

"Oh, you're exhausted? What, from all the being carried around!" Joey exclaimed, his seductive mood gone.

"I'm pregnant here!"

"You can't use that every time you get your panties in a twist!"

"You're one to talk, panty wearer!"

"That was only one time and I didn't enjoy it _at all!"_

"Oh _please! _I'm sure you _loved _the way the silk felt on your skin!"

"They were lacy!"

"Where's Ross?" Chandler asked, changing the subject. Rachel cocked a thumb towards the bushes.

"He had to pee."

"Oh great, you had to mention peeing, didn't you? Excuse me," Chandler stormed off into the bushes, a surprised yelp being heard moments later.

"Chandler!"

"Jeez Ross, you must be a really good boyfriend to get three woman to marry you, because that thing sure as hell isn't improving matters."

"Least I have one!" Ross entered the clearing moments later, an angry look on his face.

"You just wait till I lose the boobs, then we'll see who can gloat, shall we?" Chandler called from the bushes. Ross rolled his eyes.

"Oh my god, can I kill him?"

"Ross, we've already been over this…it isn't Chandler's fault that his moody and bitchy and a total bastard," Phoebe explained to her friend.

"Well, it is a bit! Mon didn't curse him up just for something to do! She was mad at him!" Ross yelled.

"I know but that doesn't give us the right to kill him…let's play nice now children."

"But he insulted my thing!"

"Ross…I've seen your thing and let me tell you, you have nothing to worry about," Rachel said soothingly. Ross smiled.

"Thank you Rach." He turned away, missing Rachel turn to Phoebe and shake her head then laugh, while holding her thumb and forefinger close together. Phoebe let out a giggle. Both girls wore innocent expressions when Ross turned back to face them, a suspicious look on his face.

"Okay, I peed, it's all good, I'm getting better at that, shall we go and check out Crap Village?" Chandler muttered as he walked out of the bushes.

"Lendaly," Phoebe corrected loudly.

"I'm aware of that Pheebs, thank you _very _much."

"Shall we go?" Rachel started towards the village before another fight could break out. Chandler glared at Phoebe for a second, and then started walking.

"I wonder if they will have any food; I'm starving! Whose idea was it not to bring any food?"

"We didn't really have much time Joey."

"We should have made time Ross!"

"Tell that to Chandler, he was the one who dragged us through the stupid portal."

"To find your sister, Ross!"

"You mean to find your girlfriend."

"They're the same person Pheebs! Both Mon!"

"I know, but I'm sure that if you weren't going out with Mon, you would be sitting in your chair right now, drinking beer and leaving poor Ross to go find her!"

"If I wasn't going out with Mon, then there wouldn't be a problem, because I wouldn't _be a woman!"_

"Oh, so you're blaming this on Monica?"

"Guys-"

"Well, she was the one that cursed me!"

"Because of something you did!"

"Guys-"

"I don't think that anything calls for a curse!"

"If you're so angry at Mon, then why are you here?"

"Because I'm carrying her baby, that's why!"

"Oh no, there's another reason!"

"Guys-"

"Oh, and what reason-"

"_Would you guys shut the hell up!" _Rachel screeched, causing the group to fall silent. They all stared at her in shock. "I think that something is following us, and you guys making so much noise isn't going to help us lose them!"

"…you breaking the sound barrier isn't, either," Chandler quipped after a moment. Rachel's eyes widened at his comment, but she was interrupted before she could speak.

"A_ha_! Ramiel! I knew it was you!"

The group stared in shock at the dishevelled man that appeared from the bushes, sword drawn, pointing at Ross.

"Uh…excuse me?"

"Do not act a fool, Ramiel! Too long have a hunted you, barely sleeping or eating. Too long have you eluded me! Too long have we not fought our final battle…but for no longer! For the third and final time, I challenge you!"

"W-What? Who are you?" Rachel asked.

"I am Cain, but I would not expect a maiden such as yourself to be concerned with my name…only Ramiel should, as I will be the last thing he sees as he draws his final breath!"

"I-I don't know who you, uh, think I am, but I definitely am not him!" Ross insisted.

"Dude, he thinks you're this Ramiel guy," Joey whispered. Ross rolled his eyes.

"Thanks Joey."

"Silence! You think that by having your hair shorn and wearing garments such as you are could fool me? You are clearly mistaken! We will battle at dusk, in this very spot. I will give you that long to prepare…and to bid farewells. But know this; I will be watching your every move, so if you do not show, I will hunt you and kill both you and your companions…dusk, do not be late!" With that, Cain disappeared back into the bushes, where Chandler could clearly see him still watching them.

"Wow, he's extremely good at hiding, isn't he?"

"You guys, what am I going to do?" Ross said shrilly. "This guy wants to fight me! I don't know how to fight…well, except for my karate, but that guy has a sword!"

"Damnit Ross, why do you have to look like someone else?" Rachel exclaimed.

"I'm sorry that this is an inconvenience to you Rachel!"

"Ross, if you don't make it, can I have your stereo?"

Everybody stared at Phoebe for a long moment, and then turned back to Ross.

"Maybe you could get some fighting lessons?" Joey suggested.

"From the looks of things, dusk is about two hours away here, Joey…I don't think that two hours would save my ass!"

"It's something Ross! I don't want you to die!" Chandler broke down in tears, leaving his friends bewildered.

"I thought you currently hated Ross?"

"I'm all confused Pheebs!"

"Maybe if we go into town, we can figure something out there…or, you know, find Mon and," Rachel lowered her voice, so to not be heard by Cain, still hiding in the bushes, "and get the hell out of here before dusk."

"Oh, I like that idea! Yeah!" Phoebe exclaimed.

"Okay…okay, we'll try that then."

"Okay big guy!" Joey patted Ross on the back while Chandler snorted.

"Big guy…yeah right," he muttered as they began to walk towards Lendaly, which was still a five minute walk. Cain followed them; obviously thinking he was being discreet, even if he really wasn't.

"You know, this guy doesn't seem very smart…maybe there will be no problem?" Rachel suggested.

"Yeah, but he can still swing a sword pretty well…I'm kind of lacking in that area."

They continued walking, fretting over the unexpected problem that had been handed their way.

"Hey Ross?"

"Yeah Pheebs?"

"So, _can _I have your stereo if you die?"


	8. Baby Names and Sphincters

And presenting the long time coming new chapter of 'And Now For Something...' Does anyone even remember this story? Anyone? Ah, well! Anyway, here it is, I got my muse back something scary, mainly becuase I should be doing assignments, and everybody knows what happens when you have something to do...you do something else. So, here's the next chapter, I love writing Chandler as a girl, and I think only a couple of chapters left of this, so, by the rate I'm going, I should have it finished by July...maybe I can post it the day I go see 'Davinci Code.'... Did I say July? I meant of 2008. And 'Davinci Code'? I of course meant the prequel, 'Angels and Demons'. But shut up me, too much caffiene! So please read and review and I love you all!

I do not own friends/actors/characters, but I do own the pleasure of watching Ms. Jennifer Aniston on 'Rove Live' today, and she's looking lovely as usual. Thank god one of them finally made their way down to Australia. (ignores the fact that LeBlanc came here in the late 90's) 

"You know what a really cool name is?"

Chandler startled awake, rolling his head up to stare wide eyed at Phoebe.

"Huh?"

"You know what a really cool name is?" she repeated patiently.

"What?"

"Zelda!"

Chandler considered this, then shrugged pathetically. "Y-Yeah, okay. I guess so."

"I so am gonna name my son that…you know, when I have one. Hey! Maybe you'll have a boy, Chandler!" Phoebe exclaimed. Chandler let out a groan and flopped his head back down onto the pillow, causing Rachel to grunt in his general direction.

"Zelda?"

"Yes, Joey, Zelda. You remember the puppet guy?"

"He was the guy with the puppets?" Chandler asked half-heartedly. Phoebe nodded enigmatically.

"Yeah. He used to play this game called 'Zelda' all the time, and it was _so _cute! Zelda was like a little elf or…or a _leprechaun! _Oh! Maybe he was related to Liam!"

"Zelda was the princess, not the cute little elf thing," Joey said after a long pause. Phoebe stared blankly at him for a moment.

"Nuh uh!"

"Phoebe, the cute little elf thing was called 'Link', he was trying to save the princess, 'Zelda'."

"R-Really?"

"I knew that," Rachel said offhandedly. Everyone stared at her in shock, Chandler even lifting his head up to do so. She glanced around at them casually, a grin suddenly taking over her face. "Okay, I so did not know that, but it was worth it, just for the looks you guys gave me."

"What sort of a name is _Link_? It's a stupid name! Nowhere near as manly as Zelda!"

"Pheebs, how is Zelda manly? It sounds like a girl's name. It _is _a girl's name. For god sakes, choose something like Thor or Zeus if you want manly. Or Chandler! Chandler is manly!" Chandler exclaimed. The other three snorted in unison. "What? Chandler _is _manly!"

"Yeah, really looks it too," Rachel muttered, gesturing towards Chandler's breasts and curves.

"Okay, I may not be very many right now-"

"Actually, you're probably more manly as a woman then you are a man," Phoebe butted in.

"Yeah, you're scary as a woman," Joey agreed. Rachel nodded.

"Yeah, especially a pregnant woman. As a male, not so much. _Ross _is more scary then you."

Ross walked in just as Rachel was finishing her sentence, a beaming grin on his face.

"Hey, you guys, the guy at the front desk thingy…if it is a front desk, I dunno…anyway, he said we could practise our fighting thing out in their barn. I-I think he might have been coming on to me, he kept praising my full lips. I started to tell him about the lip balm that I use but then realised that _they _don't have lip balm in this dimension. Stupid Ross!" He smacked himself on the head, laughing slightly, then glanced around at the lethargic group in front of him. "You guys, we came to this inn for a reason."

"Ross, inns are used to sleep in. We are trying to sleep in it," Rachel explained testily.

"No, you were meant to be thinking of ways we can defeat Cain!"

"Ways that _you _can defeat Cain, Ross, you're the one fighting him. _I'm _the one getting some much needed rest," Chandler muttered, rolling over on the surprisingly comfy bed.

"Look, I didn't sell my grandmother's ring for this room just so you guys could sleep in it-"

"Yeah, remind us again why you were carrying that ring around, Ross? Gonna propose to someone on the way to Pheebs? Who was it this time, another lesbian? An English girl you barely knew? Or Rachel? Or perhaps Rachel? Or maybe-"

"Okay, okay, don't drag me through the mud along with him," Rachel interrupted Chandler.

"Hey, to be fair, Rachel and I were only married once and I didn't even give her a ring!"

"And I'm _so _sad about it."

"Hey! You should be sad! Ross Gellar is quite the catch!" Ross exclaimed, pointing a finger at Rachel, who burst into a fit of giggles. "W-What? What are you laughing about?"

"'Ross Gellar is quite the catch'" Rachel mimicked, causing Phoebe to start laughing as well.

"Oh! Oh, you sounded just like him! That was _so_ you, Ross! It sounded like something you would totally say!"

"It _is _something I would say! I did say it! And for your information, I was carrying the ring around because Ben had dropped it and scratched it and I was going to get it fixed before my mother found out!"

"Bit of a mommy's boy, aren'tcha, Ross?" Joey chided. Ross stared at him for a moment, then turned on his heel and left the room.

"He'll be back…he always comes crawling back," Chandler muttered, closing his eyes tiredly.

"I know…_believe _me. And I take it back. You're more scary then Ross."

"Thank you, Rachel, that's all I wanted to hear."

"You're welcome."

Chandler opened his eyes as he heard footsteps, and glanced over to the door, where Ross was slowly walking back inside. Smirking, he turned away and caught sight of the window, where Cain was peering through inconspicuously. So he thought. Rachel followed Chandler's eye line and rolled her eyes.

"He's not very smart, is he?"

"Hey, he's trying, Rachel!" Phoebe said defensively, also noticing Cain. The dishevelled lunatic started suddenly, eyes widening as he realised he was being watched, and darted away. "How would you like it if you'd been hunting one guy all that time, and finally found him?"

"But he didn't find him, he found Ross," Joey argued.

"Maybe Ross _is _Ramiel, he just doesn't know it yet?"

"I don't wanna be Ramiel though," Ross whined, finally making his way back into the conversation.

"Nobody _wants_ to be Ramiel, Ross."

"Okay, that is so not helpful right now, Pheebs. Come on you guys, get off your asses and come to the barn with me! I need your help!"

"Ross, I'm tired! No, scrap that, I'm pregnant and tired! I'm tired because I'm pregnant! I don't see a foetus ready to burst out of your sudden vagina!"

"Chandler, you're not even showing yet!" Ross nearly screamed.

"Hey, just because he isn't showing, doesn't mean that he isn't panicking! It's very stressful being pregnant, not that you men would know…or Rachel."

"Thank you, Phoebe," Chandler said lethargically.

"Chandler, the quicker I beat Ramiel-"

"_Cain_, Ross, the quicker you beat _Cain_. You're Ramiel," Joey reminded.

"Right, thank you, Joey. Now life is worth living once more, with that piece of information. The quicker I beat _Cain, _the quicker we find Mon, the quicker we go home, and the quicker you turn back into a man."

Chandler groaned, then slowly sat up. "Fine, okay, whatever, but don't blame me if I laugh while Cain slowly spears you to death. Which I probably will."

"Duly noted. I wouldn't expect anything less from you."

"Hey…can _we _slowly spear Ross to death while Chandler laughs?" Phoebe whispered to Joey as they walked out. Joey stared at her in horror, then walked off. The blond rolled her eyes. "What does a girl have to do to get a stereo around here?"

aaaaaaaaa

"Okay, judging from the look of outside, we have about half an hour until dusk, that means only about twenty minutes until we have to leave for the fighting spot. We _would _have had longer, had someone not needed to pee," Ross rebuked Chandler, trying not to notice Cain, who was peering through the window. Chandler gave Ross the finger as he settled down onto a bale of hay, crossing his legs and flipping his hair.

"Suck it, Gellar."

"There's nothing left to suck, Bing."

"Oh, I love it when we talk dirty," Phoebe said grinning as she sat next to Chandler.

"…okay, so who is going to help me learn to fight in half an hour?"

Silence spread throughout the barn as everybody looked elsewhere. Ross glared at them all, on the verge of throwing a hissy fit. "You guys, I need help here!"

"Hey, I can't fight, not in my delicate state, I could get hit in the stomach and _lose _little Zelda."

"Okay, so Chandler is…_Zelda_?"

"It's a girl's name, but I like it better as a boy's," Phoebe explained. Ross stared at her.

"Okay, so Chandler is out. Pheebs? You know how to fight, you lived on the street."

"Oh but that was years ago, Ross, I've changed. I'm not the animal I once was. Now I have throw cushions."

"…okay, Rac- Never mind, Joey?"

"Hey! You don't think I can fight?" Rachel exclaimed, standing up from her seat on the hay. Ross muttered something under his breath then smiled encouragingly at his former wife.

"Of course I think you can, sweetie! Come on, let's go, show me what you've got!"

"No, I don't want to," Rachel said after a long beat, sitting back down on the hay. Ross nodded.

"Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"You're the only one who could possibly take me."

"Ross, there's no 'possibly' about it. _I_ couldtake you with my eyes shut and one hand tied behind my back. But…"

"But?" Ross asked smugly.

"Cain has a sword. Do you have a sword, Ross?"

"Not a long one," Chandler piped up, causing the girls to break into laughter.

"Oh, another penis joke. Very original, Chandler. And no, I do not have a sword, I told you guys that back in the woods!"

"Well, you can't take him without a sword!"

"I know, I told you guys that too…does anybody listen to me?"

"I choose to hear the sounds of the ocean…you know when you put a shell up to your ear? That's what I hear," Chandler told the girls. Rachel nodded while Phoebe looked aghast.

"Oh no, you _never _put a shell up to your ear. My friend Betty lost a leg like that!"

"Did…did the shell bite it off, Pheebs?" Chandler asked after a moment.

"No, she was driving while listening to the shell, didn't hear the trucks horn until it was too late. All because she could only hear the sounds of the ocean." Phoebe shook her head sadly.

"O-Okay."

"Hey, Ross, here's a big pole thing, maybe you could use that?" Joey suggested, walking out from behind the hay. Ross took it from Joey and glanced at it briefly.

"Yeah, Joe, that's a rake."

"Uh, duh, Ross. I know, but it's still a big pole thing, and it's made out of metal. Could work."

"Why would they have a metal rake? I would think that they would still use wood," Ross muttered, confused. Chandler shook his head.

"I think the real question here, Ross, is where are all the animals? I mean, it's a barn and I haven't even seen a rat, not even a _spider_."

"Where? _Where?_" Ross grabbed at the back of his sweater, looking panicked as he jumped around.

"I said I _hadn't _seen a spider, Ross. But keep jumping around like that, we could call it the Dance of Indignity."

"What's that mean?" Joey asked as Ross stopped making a fool of himself.

"It means don't ask stupid questions," Chandler said dryly.

"Chandler's mean when he's a bitch."

"Chandler's mean because he is a bitch," Ross corrected Joey, causing Chandler to smirk.

"Keep the insults comin', I don't give a damn, I'll just sit here and watch Cain fry your ass. He won't touch me, I'm too _pretty._"

"Yeah, we're too pretty," Rachel agreed, while Phoebe nodded.

"So, you think the rake will work, huh, Joe?" Ross asked after a beat.

"Well, it's not sharp and pointy, but I think it could…defend you…ish."

"Great."

"But hey, Ross, you can always use your ka-ra-tay, can't you?" Rachel asked innocently.

"I'll show you my ka-ra-tay," Ross muttered under his breath, studying the rake in his hand.

"What was that?"

"I said _hiya!_" Ross turned suddenly, jutting the rake in the girl's general direction. Phoebe clapped wildly, which Rachel and Chandler barely noticed.

"Hey, Ross?"

"Yeah, Joe?"

"Next time you do that, make sure I'm not close enough to _kill_!"

"Oh, damn Joe, did I get you?" Ross turned to look at Joey, concern flashing in his eyes.

"No, you get me, you kill me!"

"Hey!" Chandler exclaimed approvingly. "Right on there, Joe! Keep it up, you could still learn much from me, Young Grasshopper."

"What?" Phoebe asked.

"It was…you know. Shut up." Chandler turned away, pouting down at his fingernails.

"Can I braid your hair?"

Rachel's question caused Chandler to stare at her in horror.

"But Rachel…that would involve me losing _all _my testosterone."

"Oh, don't worry, honey, that happened _years _ago."

"You mean hours ago, right? Rach?"

"A _ha!_"

Nobody was really surprised when Cain burst through the open door. "I knew I would find you here, Ramiel!"

"Yeah, must have been a real surprise after watching us for two hours," Chandler said sarcastically.

"Are you ready, friend? Are you ready to die?" Cain asked Ross, ignoring Chandler completely.

"Now, wait a minute," Rachel piped up from the hay. "Are you and Ramiel friends, or enemies?"

"Ramiel knows that answer to that question, better than anybody!"

"Uh, refresh my memory?" Ross said feebly. Cain sneered.

"Two years, I was with my beloved. Two years. Ramiel knew I loved her, but did not hesitate to steal her from my grasp and marry her."

"Marry her?"

"Hey, maybe you really are this Ramiel?" Joey said with a raised eyebrow.

"It…sounds like something I would do."

"You mean the marrying thing?" Chandler asked. Ross stared blankly at him.

"Yes, Chandler, what else could I have meant?"

"The cheating thing," Rachel said after a beat. "_That _sounds like you."

"But Ramiel didn't cheat on anyone, the girl cheated on Cain. I can't remember ever stealing a woman from a guy before."

"Emily was going out with that Colin guy."

"Yes, I know, Rach, but I didn't know that at the time, so the fault was on her, not me."

"Hey, sounds like you didn't know you married Cain's chick, which is not unlike Las Vegas, when you didn't know you married Rachel."

"Chandler, I-"

"_Enough! _We will fight now!" Cain roared, drawing his sword.

"Hey, no fair! You said we would fight at dusk, out in the woods," Ross whined.

"I grew weary of waiting for you to die! We fight now!"

"Man, some people are just impatient," Chandler muttered, then raised his voice. "Hey, Cain?"

"Yes, maiden?"

"Yeah, uh, this girl you were with…your beloved, whatever. If she loved you so much, why did she marry Ramiel?"

"It…it was a trick. He deceived her."

"Sounds like reality deceived you, buddy," Chandler remarked. Cain turned his sword towards Chandler, a menacing look on his face.

"I vowed once never to harm a maiden."

"Hey, that's fine, cause I only recently had a penis." Chandler stood up, smirking patronisingly at the sword wielding psycho.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You want to fight me, great. I'm wearing three inch heels that are just waiting to be jammed into your sphincter, so bend over buddy and show me what you've got."

"No, Chandler, think of little Zelda!" Phoebe exclaimed.

"I can always adopt!" Chandler shot back. "Come on, bring it…bitch."

"Nice smack talk, Chan," Joey said dryly. Cain lowered his sword and stared in horror at Chandler, who was bouncing around like a boxer waiting to throw the first punch.

"I-I…I do not wish to-"

Chandler didn't wait for him to finish, instead kicking out aggressively and catching Cain in the groin with his boot. The man fell to his knees in pain, the sword clattering to the floor and Chandler brought his knee up. It connected with Cain's chin, and he fell to the ground, unconscious.

"Well, it wasn't his sphincter, but that way was probably less risky to my wardrobe. Shall we go?"

"Wow…Chandler's awesome when he's a bitch," Joey breathed, eliciting a raised eyebrow from his best friend. "I'm sorry dude, but that was totally hot."

"I know, I'm a babe," Chandler muttered as he walked past the still gaping Ross.

"You saved me from certain death! Thanks, man!"

"And hey, Zelda didn't even get lost!" Rachel gave a sarcastic thumbs up, stepping over Cain and after Chandler. "Let's go find Mon."

"Hey guys, wait…how cool do I look?"

The group turned to find Phoebe holding Cain's sword and swinging it around. They glanced from the blond to each other.

"Let's go quicker!" Chandler insisted. The other's nodded sagely, walking off and leaving Phoebe behind.

"Hey guys, wait! This thing is _heavy_!"


End file.
